


Critical Hit

by heyjupiter



Series: Citizens For a A Thanos-Free Universe [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, F/M, M/M, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Polyamory, Science Boyfriends, Science Bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-07 07:16:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15213962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyjupiter/pseuds/heyjupiter
Summary: Peter and Ned's request to play Dungeons & Dragons brings out mockery from Tony, unpleasant memories for Bruce, and an unexpected visit from a wizard. Still: if those kids from Stranger Things can do it, surely Earth's Mightiest Heroes can figure out the rules, and maybe even manage a victory.





	1. Character Creation

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading all the stories from this series in order: first of all, thanks, I love you! Second of all, this takes place somewhere in the middle of [ICMYI](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14830796). (Before vignette #4.)
> 
> If you haven't read the rest of this series, no worries! All you should need to know is this is a canon-divergent AU where after Thor: Ragnarok, Bruce and the Asgardians made it back to Earth without any interference from Thanos.
> 
> If you don't know anything about D&D, don't worry: neither does Tony. This story includes occasional quotes from the Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition Player's Handbook. Shout out to Wizards of the Coast for putting so much weird shit in their game.
> 
> Finally thanks to tarajuku for beta-ing/cheerleading!

Bruce was looking forward to enjoying a quiet Saturday on the roof deck. It was a beautiful spring day and he had a thermos full of tea and the latest _Journal of High Energy Physics_. Their Saturday routine meant that Tony and Rhodey were going to be busy with Peter all day, running through various training simulations and trying out whatever new suit upgrades Tony had concocted that week. This generally gave Bruce plenty of time for quiet reading before joining up with everyone for their usual Saturday evening pizza. 

It still felt like the last time he’d seen the rest of the old team was months ago, not years. Despite Tony’s explanations, it was hard for Bruce to understand how much had changed since they’d all been together at Stark Tower, including the improbable fact that Tony had befriended a sixteen-year-old boy who'd gained superpowers from a radioactive spider bite. 

Bruce had never trained in combat the way the other Avengers had. There was no _practicing_ with the Hulk, at least not if he wanted his teammates to survive the experience. Instead, Bruce had spent years practicing _not_ being the Hulk. He'd mastered the technique to the point where he no longer felt that half of his brain was dedicated to _not_ transforming. Before Sakaar, it had finally gotten to the point where the Other Guy felt less like a virus that was prone to unpredictable outbreaks and more like an anti-virus software, something that was always quietly running as a background process without using too many of his mental resources. After Sakaar, Bruce knew there was something different about the Hulk, although he wasn't quite sure what it was. But he definitely never felt like he was in danger of accidentally transforming, and that was a huge relief. 

Now, he felt that his time reading was his form of training. If he was going to convince the world that Banner’s mind was more valuable than the Hulk’s fists, he was going to have to make sure his mind was as strong as possible. He had so much reading to catch up on--he’d missed so much while he’d been gone. Not just the big geopolitical super-happenings, which Tony had hesitantly filled him in on, or the pop culture stuff, which everyone was excited to share with him; but he had also missed tons of important scientific advances. 

Bruce liked his quiet Saturdays for reasons other than his pursuit of knowledge. Even without the mental drain of constantly fending off the Hulk, Bruce still craved occasional peace and quiet. But he felt guilty about needing time apart from Tony and Pepper. He knew that to them, he'd been gone for two years. He knew that their time was valuable--plenty of people would kill for a 15-minute appointment with the brilliant chief engineer or CEO of Stark Industries, and yet there was Bruce, trying to sneak in 15 minutes away from their loving attention. He couldn't quite figure out how to explain himself to them, so he didn’t.

Things had been especially rough for Bruce this week, since Pepper had left on a business trip to Hong Kong on Sunday night and still wouldn't be back for another week. This was the first time Pepper had left for such an extended period of time since Bruce's return, and he felt her absence strongly. Pepper was generally good at noticing when Bruce was feeling overwhelmed. Tony...wasn't.

So, although Bruce generally enjoyed Peter Parker's cheerful company, he was a little disappointed when the silence of the morning was interrupted by the sound of a _thwip_ and the sight of the kid landing on his feet right in front of Bruce's chair. He was wearing jeans, a T-shirt, and a backpack rather than the whole spider outfit, but he did have his web shooters on his wrist.

"Hey, Peter," Bruce said with a nod. He looked up from his journal but didn't close it, hoping the kid wouldn't linger.

"Good morning, Dr. Banner!" Peter replied. He looked around the roof deck with interest.

"You know, there's a door from inside," Bruce said, pointing at it.

"I...actually didn't know, I've never been on the top floor inside. I just saw you up here from outside," Peter replied, his eyes wide. "But that makes sense. "

"It's across from the dining room."

Peter frowned. "The dining room is on the first floor."

"Well, there's another one up here. For formal dinners, I think." Bruce had never eaten up there, and wasn't sure anyone had. Although Bruce didn't especially want any more housemates, there was something melancholy about the fact that Tony had so clearly designed the new Avengers facility for far more than the handful of people who currently lived there. 

"Man, this building is so wild!" Peter exclaimed, which was another way to look at it.

"Did...you come here to ask me where the door was?"

"I didn't, but it is good to know. I, uh, actually wanted to ask…"

He fidgeted awkwardly and Bruce felt a drop in his stomach, suddenly unsure he was prepared for whatever Peter was about to ask him. Peter's nervous energy was making Bruce nervous in turn. He didn't know Peter especially well. Surely if the kid had questions about puberty, he would ask Tony? No, asking Tony would be worse. He could ask Rhodey. He could google it. 

After an eternity, Peter finished his sentence, "I wanted to ask if you've ever played Dungeons and Dragons?"

Bruce bit back a sigh of relief. "Sure, yeah, I played it a little in college."

"That's so cool!"

"I guess." Bruce couldn't help but knit his eyebrows together skeptically. Peter Parker was probably the only person alive who'd find anything at all "cool" about Bruce's college years.

"It looked really fun on Stranger Things, so Ned and I totally want to try playing it, and we like, started listening to podcasts about it, and and we bought some dice and stuff, but, um, we don't know enough people who might be interested...so would you want to play D&D with us sometime?"

Bruce took a moment to make sure he understood the question buried in the word vomit, and Peter quickly added, "It's totally cool if you don't want to, I just thought I'd ask, um, I'm sure we can find some people online--"

Bruce held up his hand to stop Peter's nervous chatter, letting his journal fold closed on the table. "No, I think it would be fun."

"Really?" Peter beamed. 

"Sure. I'd love to play."

"Yess! Awesome!" Though excited, Peter still seemed like he had something else he wanted to say. Finally, he spit out, "Um, also, I was going to ask...if you'd maybe want to DM?"

"Uh...sure, yeah, I can probably do that." Bruce had never been the dungeon master of a game before, but he had played it, so he was apparently a step ahead of Peter. Besides, he had multiple PhDs, so he was sure he could figure out how to use the Dungeon Master's Guide. It might be a nice break from everything else he had to read.

Peter lingered on the roof deck another moment before he glanced at his phone and said, "Okay, I should go, but, um. Well, the other thing was, I was going to ask Mr. Stark if he would want to play D&D too, but I think he'd make fun of it?"

"Oh, no, yeah, he definitely would." 

"But what if...you asked him?" Peter asked, his tone hopeful.

Bruce laughed and said lightly, "I don't know why you'd think he wouldn't make fun of _me_." 

Peter's face fell. Bruce understood--he loved Tony’s sense of humor, but still, sometimes a person just wanted to, for example, try out a tofu jerky recipe from the internet without getting heckled. Tony didn't always notice when he went too far. And Bruce was a grown man, so he was sure it was harder for Peter to deal with. 

His shoulders slumped, Peter said, "Oh. Well...it's fine, I know he’s really busy. If it's you, me, Ned, and MJ, that's enough to play, right?"

"Sorry, who's MJ?"

"Oh, she's my friend from school. She...she'll probably play. I haven't asked her yet, though." Peter perked up slightly at the mention of MJ, but he was still clearly disappointed about Tony. Peter hadn't learned to disguise his emotions yet.

"Hmm." Bruce wasn't exactly excited about _more_ teens hanging out at the Avengers facility, but Peter's friend Ned had seemed okay the few times Bruce had met him. Peter was a nice kid, he probably had nice friends. "Well, look, I didn't say Tony wouldn't play. I just said he'd make fun of it if you ask. So we _won't_ ask him.”

"Okay…" 

"But you should ask Rhodey."

"Col. Rhodes? Really?"

"Yeah, he'll be game." Rhodey was as sarcastic as Tony (and Bruce, for that matter), but more socially adept--specifically, more sensitive to the fact that Peter was actually a kid. Bruce trusted him to respond appropriately to Peter’s request. Besides, Rhodey liked games. "And then when Tony hears the rest us talking about it, he'll feel left out and insist on playing."

"Dr. Banner! You're a genius!" Peter's palpable disappointment was replaced with a wide grin.

"I have been told that, before, yes," Bruce said, giving Peter a small smile. He'd certainly learned a few things about Tony Stark over the years, and he was sure his plan would work. Tony wouldn’t be able to stand being left out. It did worry him a little bit that Peter had come to him like this. Bruce had been struggling to understand the intense dynamic between Peter and Tony. Bruce was sure Tony wouldn't intentionally do anything to hurt Peter, but Tony was...as unfiltered with the kid as he was with everyone else.

"Haha, right. Well...I gotta go. But, um, I got a set of D&D books from the library, so maybe we can talk about it after we finish training?" Peter said, adjusting his backpack straps.

"Sure. Have fun."

"I will!" Peter launched a web and leapt off the roof. Bruce wondered if he'd already forgotten about the door, or if he'd just figured it was faster. Maybe it was just more fun. He shook his head and tried to return to the fascinating paper about Yang-Baxter spacetime deformations he'd been reading, but instead he found his mind wandering to his college D&D games. 

Bruce had never gotten as into the game as the rest of his friends--well, they were acquaintances, really. He’d been young for a college student, and at first he'd just been excited to have been invited to play with the group of guys from his freshman dorm. But then, once the initial excitement of being included passed, Bruce realized that he was actually so nerdy that although the game was fun, he had resented the time D&D took away from his lab work. As Bruce took on extra projects, his character had missed a lot of adventures and fallen behind in XP, and Bruce was left out of most of the inside jokes and camaraderie the other players seemed to have. He’d been willing to sacrifice the friendship of his peers for the approval of his mentors. The more demanding his supervisors had been, the more determined Bruce had been to please them. Remembering them made him think uneasily of Peter and Tony.

Bruce shook his head in an attempt to physically force out thoughts of the past. He acknowledged the anger he felt at his past self and then pushed it away. He wasn’t worried about Hulking out, but he knew that thinking about the things he couldn’t change would only cause pain. He took a few deep breaths and set aside his physics journal, which clearly wasn’t holding his attention at the moment. 

Instead, he thought about something he _could_ change. Bruce reminded himself of the decision he'd made years ago to focus his life on helping others. It had been his best coping mechanism during his years in hiding. Since he'd gotten back, though, he'd been pretty focused on dealing with his own issues. Maybe he'd feel better if he could do something for someone else.

Bruce knew that, despite the tragedies Peter had already faced, Peter’s home life was thankfully much better than Bruce’s had ever been, and he seemed to have good friends. Still, he wasn't quite sure what to make of Peter's role here as an Avenger in training. If Peter were going to make it through his teen years and eventually thrive as an Avenger, he'd need friends he could trust. Bruce couldn't, or wouldn't, physically train with the Avengers, but he could still try to contribute to the team, and running this game for Peter and his friends, including Tony, seemed like an achievable way to start.

While he was scrolling through a Wizards of the Coast wiki for game ideas, his tablet lit up with a message from Tony. _Where are you? That's hypothetical, FRIDAY said you're still on the roof deck._ Bruce shook his head. FRIDAY was always ratting out his hiding places. 

Tony sent an immediate follow-up message: _Come down already, pizza’s getting cold_.

Bruce realized with some surprise how late it was. He'd been reading about D&D for _hours_. He replied simply, _Omw!_ and headed down to the lounge. Unlike Peter, he took the inside stairs.

When he got to the lounge, he was greeted by the now-familiar sight of Tony, Rhodey, and Peter sprawled out with a pile of Legos and a nearly empty pizza box.

"There you are," Tony said. He grabbed the journal out of Bruce's hand and raised his eyebrows. "You forgot to come down for pizza because you were so caught up in high energy physics?"

Rhodey scoffed, "Like you've never forgot to eat because you were in your workshop."

"Yeah, sure, making something awesome. Not just _reading_ about it," Tony said. He put two slices of pesto pizza on top of the journal like a plate and handed it back to Bruce.

"Aw, come on, now it's going to be all greasy," Bruce protested.

"I'm sure there's online access! Anyway, you must have read it cover to cover already."

"No, actually, I was reading other stuff." Bruce took a bite of pizza and chewed it slowly. Tony was right about the online access, though Bruce sometimes found it easier to focus on old-fashioned paper. Since he'd gotten back, he felt like his brain was thawing out after being frozen for two years. Sometimes he had to read sentences two or three times before he understood them. He wasn’t used to that feeling; reading in any format had always been an escape for him, not a struggle. Still, that afternoon he'd managed to read through a lot of D&D websites without issue. 

Bruce had noticed Peter’s excited energy and turned to ask, "Hey, have you thought about what kind of character you’d like to play as?"

Peter's eyes lit up. "Oh man, I can't decide. Like, an elf would be cool? Or a dragonborn? But also halflings are so fun."

Bruce nodded. "Yeah, there's advantages and disadvantages to all the different races."

"Wow, hey, George Wallace, pretty sure it's not cool to talk about the advantages and disadvantages of different races," Tony said.

"In Dungeons & Dragons, Tony," Rhodey said. "It's totally fine to be racist against elves."

"But elves are cool!" Peter said.

"Whatever, I'm gonna be a human fighter," Rhodey said.

"That's what you are in real life, though." Peter said. "Elves have dark vision, and keen senses!"

" _You_ have that in real life," Rhodey replied.

"Oh, huh, yeah, I guess I kinda do."

"Anyway, Peter, whatever race you pick is fine. The main thing you should think about is trying to balance the party by class, so if Rhodey's going to be a fighter, somebody should be some kind of magic user, maybe a cleric."

"Hang on. Hang on. First of all, are you nerds playing _Dungeons and Dragons_ , and second of all, Bruce, did you just tell Peter that he should play as some kind of _magical secretary_?" Tony asked incredulously. Bruce had known Tony would be unable to resist mocking D &D, which was, to be fair, possibly the most cartoonishly nerdy game of all time.

"You're thinking of a clerk. Clerics are priests, and healers," Bruce said, ignoring Tony’s tone.

"Oh yeah, that's a good point," Peter said. Bruce could tell that his excitement about the game was overruling his disappointment in Tony’s scorn. He pulled his player's guide out of his backpack and flipped through it. "Or what about a paladin?"

"Sure, that would work."

"So for real though, you guys are playing Dungeons & Dragons now? Like with the weird dice?” Tony asked. "When did this happen?"

Bruce shrugged. "Peter asked me about it earlier, he said he and his friends were curious about trying it. Because of Strange Things?"

" _Stranger_ Things," Peter corrected. "Yeah! And Dr. Banner said he played it in college so he could run a game for us."

"Oh my god, why couldn't you just experiment with drugs like normal people?" Tony moaned.

Bruce coughed loudly and Tony said, "Wait, no, Peter, don't do drugs. That...would be bad."

"I know," Peter said. "Anyway, so, yeah, I think I could be a paladin. What should Ned and MJ be?"

"Hmm, maybe a rogue? Or a wizard?" Bruce suggested.

"No way, I want to be the wizard," Tony said.

"Oh, did you want to play?" Bruce asked.

Tony crossed his arms and asked, his tone sharp, "What, is your nerd game full already?"

"Oh, no, it's fine," Bruce assured him.

"We just didn't think you'd want to play," Peter said.

"But if you do, of course there's room for you," Bruce said.

"I mean, I--wait, MJ is playing? That girl you like?" Tony asked.

"I don't like her!" Peter said, blushing only slightly. "I mean--I mean I _like_ her, but, you know, we're friends."

Tony narrowed his eyes. "Friends, huh? Are you trying to woo her with sorcery?"

"No?"

"Oh my god, Tony, if you're going to make this weird you can't play with us," Rhodey said.

Tony wheeled around and said, "Me? Make _Dungeons & Dragons_ weird? It's starting off weird!"

"Seriously though please don't say anything to her," Peter mumbled. "Also I'm not even sure if she wants to play, I just thought she might…."

"Well, if she doesn't want to play, maybe ask her to do something cool instead," Tony advised. "Although I guess if she's your friend from academic decathlon, she might not be that cool."

"What? No, she totally is," Peter sputtered, his face turning redder. "She's like, the coolest."

" _I'll_ be the judge of that," Tony declared. Bruce shot Peter a sympathetic look.

Then, everyone's phone alarms went off, and Peter sighed. "I gotta go, but I'll talk to Ned and MJ and let you know what kinds of characters they pick."

"Sounds good. Let me know if you run into trouble making your character sheets," Bruce said.

"I will! Thanks! Bye!" Peter picked up his backpack and went off to meet his Aunt May, whose wrath when Peter was late to be picked up had frightened even Tony, who generally had a very casual relationship with punctuality. Bruce had nothing but respect for Aunt May.

Tony crossed his arms. "I can't believe you nerds talked me into this."

"We didn't," Bruce said.

"I'm pretty sure I actually told you not to play," Rhodey said.

"If you were going to be weird about it," Bruce added.

Tony huffed. "In that case, I can't believe you nerds don't want to play with me."

Bruce pulled out his tablet. "Okay, let’s play. I sent you a fillable PDF character sheet. Let me know if you need any help making a level 1 character.”

"Um, thanks, I'm sure I can handle it," Tony said. Then he looked at his own tablet and frowned. "What the fuck is this shit. _Animal handling_? Why is there a space for animal handling?"

"Let's not worry about your skills yet. You should start by picking your race and class," Bruce suggested.

"You should be a dwarf, Tony," Rhodey said.

"Wow. Hurtful."

"They're good at metalsmithing!" Bruce said. He sent the race description of dwarves over to Tony's tablet. "And look, it says they can hold grudges for hundreds of years."

"Well, that does sound about right," Tony muttered. "Dark vision...resistance against poison...how does _that_ make sense?"

Bruce shrugged. "Dwarven resilience."

"Well, what do humans get? Humans are resilient as hell."

"Humans get +1 to all abilities but they don't have a lot of other special features."

"See, this game is racist against humans," Tony said. "How long can _they_ hold grudges?"

"Unspecified."

Tony shook his head. "Anything else good about being human?"

"Hmm....well, their speed is 30."

"Thirty...what."

"Thirty feet per turn." Tony gave Bruce an extremely unimpressed stare. Bruce shrugged. "Dwarves have a speed of 25."

"OK, do you know what my top speed is in my _actual robot suit_ that I _actually have in real life_?"

"I'm guessing it's more than 30 feet per turn?" Bruce asked.

"Correct."

"If you don't want to play--" Rhodey said.

"Stop trying to kick me out of your nerd game!"

"We're not trying to kick you out," Bruce said. "Just, could you just take the mockery down like...one notch? Maybe even two notches when Peter's friends are here?"

"I thought you liked my mockery. This morning you choked on your tea when I said the EPA's proposed new energy conservation plan was like Darth Vader's plan to save Ewoks."

Rhodey said, "Man, I can't believe you think you're too cool to play D&D."

"No way, D&D is like, a whole extra echelon of nerd shit. Everybody saw Star Wars. D&D was like the kids who ate lunch in the library in high school."

"No, in high school the D&D kids were too loud to eat lunch in the library. _I_ ate lunch alone in the library in high school," Bruce said.

Tony exhaled, giving Bruce a pitying look. Bruce didn't bother to point out that eating lunch alone in the library was actually usually one of his favorite parts of the day in high school. 

Tony said, "Alright, fine, let's just...let's eat lunch in the library together, as it were."

"So you're a dwarven wizard, then?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"Interesting choice."

"Why? What's that supposed to mean? You just told me about all the cool stuff dwarves can do. I'm getting some real mixed signals here."

"No, just, interesting. In the earlier editions of the games dwarves couldn't use magic--"

"--I'm telling you, this game is racist--"

"--but now they can! It's just going to be an interesting combination. Unique. I'm excited."

Tony narrowed his eyes at Bruce suspiciously. "I'm going to read about the other options before I commit to this."

"Sure, it's a big decision," Bruce said. He and Rhodey grinned at each other as Tony swiped through his tablet.

"Dwarves are proficient in brewer's supplies? Does that mean I can make my own beer in the game?"

"Sure, if that's...what you want to do."

Rhodey laughed. "Banner, I cannot wait to see you trying to run a game while this guy is off trying to open a fantasy microbrewery."

Bruce rubbed the back of his neck. "Oh, or, you know, gnomes are proficient at tinkering…"

"Seriously, gnomes? Like the little garden guys? Are you guys trying to make me self-conscious about my height?"

"Look at this, it says, 'A male gnome's beard, in contrast to his wild hair, is kept carefully trimmed but often styled into curious forks or neat points. A gnome's clothing, though usually made in modest earth tones, is elaborately decorated with embroidery, embossing, or gleaming jewels.'"

Rhodey howled with laughter. "Yes! Gnomey Stark."

Tony looked at the page and said, drily, "Wow, gnomes can make clockwork toys. That sounds like a really useful skill to have in a fight."

"You never know when it might come in handy," Bruce said. "The game's not just combat, it's also puzzles…."

"Think of the children," Rhodey said.

"Alright, fine, sign me up for gnome. Size matters not, and all that."

"Great!" Bruce said. He had to admit he was a little relieved not to have to deal with Tony's fantasy microbrewery, although he was sure Tony was going to come up with something else absurd. "Let's roll your stats. You’ll need six rolls of four d6s, but you drop the lowest one of each set--“

“Listen to yourself. Does this sound like the start of a fun game, or an SAT problem?”

“Why not both?” Bruce asked. 

"Can I just have FRIDAY do random number generation based on those parameters or does it have to be an actual dice to count?"

"Random numbers are fine." 

FRIDAY provided the rolls, and Tony frowned at the results. "Wait, can I do this again? These numbers seem terrible."

"No, that's...kind of the point? Of the random numbers?"

"At least gnomes get +2 to intelligence," Tony said. 

"Yeah, and that's really good, because intelligence is what wizards use for spellcasting. You've got a couple negative modifiers though...you should probably dump them in strength...and maybe charisma?"

"You want me to create a character with _negative charisma_?" Tony asked, his tone wounded.

"Well, it's--it's just a character, Tony," Bruce explained, while Rhodey snickered.

"No. No way. I'll take negative strength and...constitution, I guess."

"Alright...let's mark it down." Bruce and FRIDAY helped Tony fill out the rest of his character's statistics. "Okay, so we've got the numbers down, the rest of the sheet is up to you, just kind of creating a backstory for your character. There are some suggestions in the book, or you can just make something up...it's really just for you, as a player. So...I'll just leave you to that."

Bruce went to check on Rhodey's character sheet, where he was met with less resistance than from Tony. As promised, Rhodey had created a human fighter, relatively strong for a level one character. His archetype was "folk hero," which was probably the closest thing D&D had to a superhero. He supposed everyone had their own ideas of escapist fantasy; Rhodey's character had a lot in common with him, but unlike Rhodey, his character existed in a world with magic healing potions.

"Okay, I think I'm done," Tony said. Bruce peered at it over Tony's shoulder.

"Did you name your character Gnomey Stark?"

"Yeah, Rhodey said it and I thought it was good."

"Damn right," Rhodey said. 

"You also wrote 'N/A' under 'Flaws'?"

"What are you trying to say?" 

"Nothing. I love it. I love this very small, very smart, flawless chaotic good boy with -2 strength," Bruce said with a smile. He really did; although characters were separate from their players, something about the scrappy gnome encapsulated Bruce's favorite things about Tony. Tony was definitely more attractive than gnomes were, though.

"Good, that's what I thought. Wait, Rhodey, what did you put for flaw?"

In a dramatic voice, Rhodey said, "The tyrant who rules my land will stop at nothing to see me killed."

"Whoa, I don't think that's true. War Machine is--"

"Tony. It's not about me. There's a list of suggested flaws in the book and I picked that one. For my character."

"Oh, I guess I missed that part of the book. Wait, how's that a flaw about _you_? Sounds like a flaw with the tyrant."

"Tony, you put 'N/A' for your flaw, so…"

"Fine, fair enough. How about you, Bruce, what's your flaw?"

"Oh, I don't have a character."

"Hey, you shouldn't talk about yourself that way."

"I mean, literally, since I'm running the game, I'm not in it. I'll just describe situations to you. But I'm not actually part of it."

"Interesting."

"Mmm-hmm," Bruce said. "But, again, I need to be clear that your character is...different from you."

"No, I know, obviously, he's four feet tall," Tony replied. On his tablet, he skimmed through the player's handbook. "This game is weird."

"Yep," Bruce agreed. He was pretty sure Tony would actually enjoy D&D if he ever got over his attitude about it. It was a game designed to reward lateral thinking; Tony should excel at it. Bruce had never met anyone capable of thinking further outside of the box than Tony.

After finishing up their character sheets, Tony and Rhodey segued from D&D to talking about how their training session with Peter had gone that afternoon. They eagerly brainstormed new tactics and suit upgrades. Talking about Avengers stuff was particularly exhausting for Bruce, but he knew it was important for them. Rather than interrupt, he slipped away to go to bed early with a book.

Later that night, Bruce awoke to a tap on his shoulder from Tony, who was now spooning him from behind with an arm thrown over him. Bruce was still sometimes surprised to wake up next to another human; he'd spent so long thinking that the Hulk would prevent him from ever sharing something as unguarded as sleep, let alone sex, with anyone. He was pleased to have been wrong about that.

"Bruce? You up?"

"Sure," Bruce mumbled, though he obviously hadn't been. He was reminded of non-Hulk reasons why he sometimes preferred the peace of his own bedroom, but Pepper was still away, and Tony hated to sleep alone. 

"Just--you know I'm just kidding, right?"

"Hmm?" Bruce was used to Tony picking up conversations from hours or days past with no preamble, but it was the middle of the night and he wasn't ready for whatever Tony was talking about.

"When I make jokes about, you know, you and your nerd stuff. You know I don't mean anything by it?" Bruce was quiet for a moment, mostly because he was still half-asleep. Tony tightened his arm around him and added, softly, "You know I love you?"

"I know," Bruce said, feeling his sleepy irritation begin to fade. He knew he was lucky to have found two people who loved him, despite how fucked up he was. Two people who he loved back, despite how fucked up he was.

"It just seemed like you guys were, I don't know. Trying to get rid of me?"

Bruce's irritation was now completely replaced with guilt. "Oh, Tony, no. I just--Peter was really excited to play the game and we just--wanted him to stay excited about it."

"What, and you thought he wouldn't be excited if I were there?"

"Well--you know, Peter really looks up to you. And you--sometimes--can be a little...harsh."

"But _he_ knows I'm kidding, right?" Tony asked anxiously.

Bruce sighed. He had somehow forgotten how unexpectedly sensitive Tony could be, counter to the ego he projected to the outside world. He could dish out sass for days but internally crumple over a perceived slight. Bruce realized that it would have been easier to just ask Tony to play in the first place and dealt with the jokes at his expense, but he reminded himself that he did want to try to stand up for Peter.

Bruce rolled over so he could look at Tony, his face lit by the dim glow of his chest plate. Bruce was still sometimes struck by how handsome Tony was, even now, when his face was creased with worry. "Maybe you should talk to him?"

"I was afraid you'd say that."

"I mean, not right now."

"No," Tony agreed. He bit his lip and said, "I--I mean I love that you guys are such nerds."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Tony said, leaning forward to kiss him softly. "I love how passionate you are." He kissed him again. "And I love how--how _you_ you are. And I--I'll talk to the kid later, 'cause I love that he's a nerd too, but not in a sex way, and now I just feel weird talking about him, 'cause--" Tony rolled over to straddle Bruce and kissed him again, harder. Tony’s face no longer looked worried; instead, it was showing pure desire that abruptly made Bruce’s stomach flutter. Bruce was still surprised that anyone could find him desirable, knowing what he was, but he was very glad that Tony and Pepper both plainly did.

"Yeah, 'cause now it's weird," Bruce agreed. It was actually pretty typical of Tony to abruptly shift gears from regular conversation to sexual overtures, but this was one of his weirder transitions. Which wasn't to say that it wasn't working.

"It's fine, I cleared my mind and now I'm only thinking about you," Tony said, bending down to lightly nibble Bruce's earlobe.

"Mm,” Bruce breathed, pressing himself up against Tony, trying to let go and let his body enjoy the moment. Tony moved down from his ear, lightly sucking on Bruce’s neck in a way that made Bruce gasp with pleasure.

“So is this good?” Tony asked, pulling his mouth back from Bruce’s throat to check in.

“Mm-hmm,” Bruce agreed.

It had been such a strange physical adjustment when he'd first gotten back--his mind didn't remember having been the Hulk for two years, but his body did. He'd been so hyper-aware of how fragile his skin was; any kind of physical touch had felt so startling, but so good, so grounding. It made him feel present in his body, like yoga, but better. Tony and Pepper had both been so gentle, so happy to go at the pace his confused body demanded. They still were, but sex was finally starting to feel more like a regular part of life again. It was always nice to be reminded that his body could be used for pleasure, his own as well as others’.

“Not too weird?”

“No, I’m thinking about you too,” Bruce said.

Tony asked, breathily, "Oh yeah?" He was still pulled up on his elbows, looking at Bruce intently. His pupils were huge against his warm brown irises, and he was hard against Bruce’s thigh. Bruce caught his breath. His own body was definitely responding to Tony's efforts.

Bruce squirmed and gently tugged Tony's head back toward himself. Playfully, he said, "Yeah, I’m thinking how I love what a nerd you are, too."

Tony clicked his tongue. "No, I'm not. I'm very cool."

"Yeah? Then why do you have a Dungeons and Dragons character?" Bruce asked, reaching his arms out further to lightly run his fingers down Tony's back.

"Christ, you're so bad at dirty talk," Tony said.

"That's probably because I'm--ah--such a nerd," Bruce managed to say, before Tony moved his mouth further down Bruce's body and made it hard for Bruce to say much of anything coherent.

Afterward, Bruce drifted back to sleep, nestled in Tony's arms, feeling loved, sated, and unable to remember why he'd ever thought he preferred sleeping alone.


	2. Charisma Check

Tony jerked awake, sitting up in bed with a start. He let out a long exhale when he saw Bruce. Sometime in the night, Bruce had drifted away from him, curled tightly into the fetal position with the sheet tangled around his waist and his feet and knees dangling off the edge of the bed, but he was still _there_. 

For someone who prided himself on being innovative, Tony's nightmares had never been especially creative. When his dreams were bad, they were just repetitions on the theme of something terrible happening to someone he loved while Tony watched, unable to stop it. But ever since Bruce had gotten back to Earth, Tony's bad dreams about Bruce had changed. Now Bruce simply _vanished_ into thin air, and Tony spent the rest of the night fruitlessly searching for him.

Awake now, Tony watched Bruce's sleeping form with a small smile. In the two years that Bruce had been gone, Tony had never stopped looking for him, had never stopped believing that Bruce would eventually return. As time went on, Pepper and Rhodey had started to gently suggest that perhaps Bruce didn't want to be found, or perhaps wouldn't be found alive--but Tony had simply refused to believe anything other than that Bruce was alive and well and would come back one day. And he had been right, as usual.

Well--mostly right. Bruce had come back alive, but not quite well. He'd been physically uninjured, but had seemed so fragile. Tony remembered when his own anxiety had been worse, after New York and the Mandarin. He'd been so afraid to be alone, so afraid that everyone would leave him. He didn't want Bruce to feel that way, and he'd tried to arrange his schedule so that he could spend as much time with Bruce as possible. Rhodey, Happy, and Pepper (and of course, FRIDAY) helped keep an eye on him, too, but Tony’s schedule was the most flexible. So Tony led Bruce around the compound, filling the air with chatter and observations, not to mention two years' worth of gossip and genius ideas that no one else would appreciate.

There were plenty of signs of the old Bruce--the first week he'd been back, Bruce had quietly solved an energy conversion problem that had been stalling one of Tony’s projects for months. Bruce still cooked weird food and laughed at Tony's extremely niche jokes. But he rarely made jokes of his own. He spent more time quietly reading than engaging with new projects. He’d been distracted and disoriented and prone to nightmares and panic attacks that he tried to keep hidden. Tony felt no compunctions about asking FRIDAY to help him keep tabs on Bruce if he was going to sneak off to hyperventilate in a closet. 

As the weeks went on, Bruce had slowly become more like his old, funny, curious, kind, brilliant self and less like an empty Bruce-shaped shell. Tony was thrilled, except that as he recovered, Bruce had started to pull away from Tony. Bruce would disappear for long stretches of time, not to melt down or sleep, but apparently just to be alone. He'd insisted that it was nothing personal, he just wanted some "quiet time.” Tony had a lot of experience blowing people off--one night stands (back in the day), reporters, job-seekers, elected officials, and other idiots--but not much experience being blown off, and he found that he didn’t care for it.

When Tony had complained about it to Pepper, she'd laughed and said that Bruce had always been a classic introvert, as long as they'd known him, and she didn’t think two years lost in space was going to change that. She reminded him that when they'd been with Bruce before, they'd been traveling more, not spending all their time cooped up together. Then she'd tried to make Tony read a book about introverts. He'd given up on it and instead read a Wikipedia page about it, but the whole concept really just didn't make sense to him. Pepper had pointed out that Tony always spent plenty of time alone in his workshop, but that was never Tony's _preference_ , it was just that he loved his work and didn't always have anyone to share it with. Besides, he wasn't _alone_ in his workshop--he had his bots and FRIDAY to talk to. They weren't as good as Bruce, obviously, but they were better than solitude. 

Tony had assumed that Bruce had gotten used to being alone out of necessity, trying to protect people from the Hulk. But maybe that wasn't the case. Maybe once Bruce recovered, he wouldn't want to stick around with Tony anymore. It wouldn't be the first time he'd left. Even last night, Bruce had gone to bed without even saying good night before he left the room. He had gone to Tony’s bed, at least, but he’d gone there alone.

Bruce shifted slightly, but seemed to still be asleep. Tony _had_ kept Bruce up pretty late last night after he’d found him in bed, though he was pretty confident that Bruce had enjoyed it. Bruce's sleeping face looked content enough, with no sign of nightmares.

Tony was torn between wanting to let Bruce sleep and wanting the reassurance he'd just thought-spiraled himself into craving. He tried for a compromise that he hoped wouldn't wake Bruce, who always seemed so tired. Tony quietly slid across the bed, closing the gap Bruce had created by rolling so far to the edge. Pepper's absence left a lot of empty space in the bed. Then, gently, Tony held him from behind, carefully placing his right arm around Bruce's chest. He was rewarded for his efforts when Bruce made a small, sleepy sound and nestled back tighter against him. He was also punished for his efforts when his left arm immediately fell asleep, but he ignored it. It was a small price to pay.

Tony lay there, holding Bruce, ignoring his tingling arm, and letting his mind wander. Sometimes he had his best ideas when he wasn’t looking for them, and the awkward positioning of his arms inspired him. He was halfway through a mental redesign of Falcon’s wings when Bruce woke up with a yawn and stretch. Tony tugged him back toward the center of the bed, afraid Bruce would slide off the edge of the bed without interference. Bruce laughed and ended up with his head on Tony's chest. Tony gratefully freed his left arm and stroked Bruce's unruly curls. 

"Good morning, sunshine," Tony said.

"Hey," Bruce said. "What time is it?"

"Who cares?"

"Mm...that's fair, I guess. Not like I have much on my agenda." With a finger, Bruce idly traced the edges of the nanite compartment in Tony's chest. Tony loved that Bruce accepted that part of him, in a way that he wasn't sure Pepper ever would.

"I could probably add a few items to your agenda, if you're interested," Tony said suggestively. Last night had been good, but he loved morning sex. Bruce often did, too, but Tony was equally prepared to accept a gentle rebuff. Some mornings, Bruce was in a weird hurry to get out of bed and sulk into his tea. Some mornings, Bruce wasn't there at all.

"Oh yeah?" Bruce asked, his tone playful.

"Mm-hmm, I could just really...fill up your day." Bruce laughed against Tony's chest at the innuendo, but his breath also quickened. Tony grinned, pleased that Bruce seemed receptive. He'd missed everything about Bruce, not just the sex, but...the sex was great, especially recently. 

When Bruce had first gotten back from space, he'd been so jumpy and out of touch with his human body. Tony and Pepper had both felt a little unsure about initiating sex with him, not wanting him to feel pressured. But Bruce had shyly assured them that he was still very interested...it had just taken some adjustment. It was actually a turn-on how sensitive Bruce had become to touch; they had just needed to be careful not to overdo it.

"I'm wide open," Bruce replied. Tony laughed, until Bruce kissed him, replacing the laughter with a small moan. Tony loved the sounds he could coax out of the usually-quiet Bruce when they were together; they were so hot, and so reassuring that Tony was on the right track. When Tony took a quick break from making Bruce moan in order to find lube in the nightstand, he paused to admire Bruce. Above his soft thicket of chest hair, he had light marks that Tony's mouth had left on his collarbone and a pleasingly desperate expression on his flushed face.

"Hurry up," Bruce said.

“Whatever happened to ‘please’?” Tony teased.

" _Please_ ,” Bruce echoed, his voice husky. “What are you looking at?"

"You," Tony replied. "Obviously." He located the bottle and held it up triumphantly, but lingered another moment at the far edge of the bed, enjoying the view.

Bruce bit his lip and made a frustrated sound that made Tony's pulse race. Then Bruce reached out for the lube and reminded Tony that there were even better things to do with Bruce than looking at him. Cleaning up in their spacious shower afterward, Tony couldn't help but feel smug. The day was off to a great start.

Bruce said, "I'm going to grab some clean clothes down the hall, and I'll meet you in the kitchen?"

"I don't see what's wrong with what you're wearing now," Tony said, eyeing Bruce in his boxers.

Bruce shook his head, but he was smiling. He grabbed the robe that Pepper had gotten him and said, "I'll start coffee."

When Tony made it to the kitchen--his facial hair alone took more time to groom than any part of Bruce's low-maintenance morning routine--as promised, Bruce had a mug of French press coffee ready for him. Bruce himself, now wearing sensible khakis and an Oxford shirt, was sipping tea and reading something on his tablet. He had an unopened yogurt in front of him.

"What are you reading?" 

Bruce glanced up at Tony over his adorable reading glasses. He looked like a professor who every student had a crush on. "Oh...just some D&D stuff. Peter already sent me his character sheet. He wrote a _lot_ of backstory."

Tony grinned, feeling a swell of affection for the precious nerds in his life. "Of course he did. Let me see."

Bruce tilted the tablet away from him. "Are you gonna make fun of it?"

"No! Maybe, a little, I don't know?"

"It's just--it's _very_ earnest," Bruce warned him. "Actually, maybe you should read it now, so you can get your first reaction out of the way when Peter's not in the room."

"I wish you'd stop acting like I'm a total asshole," Tony grumbled. Bruce raised his eyebrows and Tony said, "I'm only _kind of_ an asshole! I'm trying my best!"

Bruce laughed and said, "I know." He slid the tablet over, with what Tony was pretty sure was a fond look in his eyes.

Tony read the character sheet and didn't laugh at it at all. Peter's character was an elf whose parents had been killed by bandits, causing Peter to devote himself to a life as a paladin, who had sworn a sacred oath to protect others. Under “bond,” Peter had filled in "I owe my life to the priest who took me in when my parents were killed." For his flaw, he'd put, "I put too much trust in those who wield power within my temple's hierarchy."

"This is a lot," Tony said.

"Yeah," Bruce said. 

"Was I supposed to write a whole thing about my guy?" Tony's character sheet was much sparser than Peter's; anything that Bruce had told him was optional, Tony had left blank.

"It's really up to you," Bruce said. "Theoretically, the point is to figure out what your character would do in a situation, versus what _you_ yourself might do. It's roleplaying."

"But like the least hot roleplaying imaginable. What happened to, you know, sexy nurses and stuff?”

“Hey, I didn’t get all those degrees to be a sexy _nurse_.”

"Sorry, sexy Dr. Banner.”

Bruce shook his head, an embarrassed expression on his face. Tony knew that Bruce didn't think of himself as being sexy, which was frankly ridiculous. “Anyway, it’s really not that kind of roleplaying.”

"Yeah, clearly. I mean, that character is a real bummer. I just don’t get how this is fun." 

“Well, you can make any kind of character you want. You work together and solve problems with your friends. You can do magic. Weird stuff happens depending on how you roll.” Bruce looked at Tony and shrugged helplessly. “I mean, it’s not for everyone?”

“It still doesn’t sound as good as playing sexy doctor, but I’m willing to give it a try.” Tony handed Bruce back the tablet and opened the fridge. He stared at its contents for a moment and closed the door without taking anything out. He glanced at the table and saw that Bruce's yogurt was still unopened. Bruce was engrossed in his reading again.

"Bruce?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want some eggs?"

"No, thanks."

"But...would you make me some?" Tony batted his eyelashes. "You know they're so much better when you make them."

Bruce laughed. "That's true. My secret is that I don't leave the shells in." 

"Hey, I know they're not supposed to have the shells in! It's just...hard to get all the pieces out."

Bruce shook his head, but he was still smiling. He rolled up his sleeves and set about the witchcraft of making an omelet. Tony watched, taking comfort in Bruce's relaxed expression as he cooked. Cooking seemed to soothe Bruce, the way getting immersed in a new design project could soothe Tony. 

"Here," Bruce said, placing a plate on the table.

"Thank youu," Tony said, watching as Bruce started to clean up. "Wait, aren't you going to make one for yourself?"

"I said I didn't want one," Bruce said mildly. 

"I know, but I thought you just didn't want to go to the effort for yourself. I thought once you got all the stuff out, you'd make one for yourself, too." 

"So...you wanted an omelet, and you also wanted me to want an omelet?"

"You know I'd make one for you, but it would be bad. You deserve a good omelet."

"I was just going to eat a yogurt."

"Well...you should keep your strength up. You know, get enough protein. You had a lot of vigorous physical activity this morning."

"Tony, I'm happy to cook for you, but--"

Tony cut off a corner of his omelet and held it out to Bruce. "It's good! Try it."

"I know it's good, I made it." But Bruce took the bite. Then he sighed, put his still-unopened yogurt back in the fridge, and went back to cook one for himself.

"Happy now?" Bruce asked, when he returned to the table with his own plate.

"Are you?"

Bruce nodded, his mouth full.

"Then I am too," Tony said. He smugly noted that, despite Bruce's initial protest, Bruce ate his entire omelet. After they finished eating, Tony loaded the dishwasher. While he did that, Bruce started sidling out of the kitchen, and Tony said, "I'm going down to my workshop after this."

"Oh...I'm just going to do some reading."

"So...read in the workshop." Bruce looked hesitant, and Tony said, "I promise not to bug you. Just come hang out." Tony's workshop had a very comfortable couch in it. Bruce had spent a lot of time on it, so Tony wasn't sure why he wouldn't think of the workshop as a good place to do his reading.

"Alright," Bruce agreed.

"You're not mad about the eggs, are you?"

"Of course I'm not mad about the eggs. I just want to focus. There's a whole new edition of D&D since the last time I played it, I have a lot to catch up on before running a game."

"You know, when you play a video game, the game is already just there, and you just have to play it?" It was starting to seem silly for Bruce to spend all this time on something that was so intangible and so unsexy, especially when he could be using that time to work with Tony. Tony had never valued a collaborator more highly than Bruce. Coached by Pepper, Tony was trying his best not to be too pushy, but he couldn’t wait until Bruce was ready to fully partner on projects again. 

"You literally _just_ promised not to bug me about this."

"Okay, fine, sorry."

Bruce nodded in acknowledgment and asked, "What are you working on?"

"I have this idea for improving Falcon's wings," Tony said. He bit back the urge to compare it to a dragon, and instead started to explain the mechanics of it as they walked down the hall.

"Oh, have you heard from Sam?" Bruce asked.

"No, but--but I'll hang onto it, you know, until he comes back."

"Sure," Bruce said, his tone gentle. 

"He will!" Tony insisted. He had all kinds of projects in various stages of completion, all waiting for the rest of the Avengers to return, which he knew they would. After all, Bruce had.

In the workshop, Tony did his best to keep his word and let Bruce read quietly, flopped on the couch that took up a corner of the room. Of course, he had a few exciting moments that he had to share with Bruce. And he had to talk to FRIDAY to make necessary adjustments. But mostly, Tony and Bruce were quietly, equally engrossed in their own separate activities. Even though Tony still couldn't quite understand why Bruce was more interested in this made-up fantasy game than in Tony's projects, which had the benefit of being _actual real things_.

Then Tony looked up from his welder's torch and realized Bruce wasn't on the couch anymore. He pushed back his welding helmet and reminded himself that his first moment of panic was irrational, and Bruce almost certainly hadn't vanished into thin air. Sure enough, when Tony turned his head, he saw Bruce pacing along the back wall of the room, talking on the phone. Which was weird--the only person Bruce talked to who he didn't live with was Thor, and they usually did short encrypted video calls that were planned in advance around Thor's hectic schedule. He supposed it could be Pepper, but it was the middle of the night in Hong Kong; if she were calling at this hour it would likely be an emergency, not the friendly chat Bruce seemed to be having. Besides, he had to think that she’d call him before Bruce in an emergency, although the thought made him suddenly check to make sure he hadn't missed any messages from her. He hadn't, but he took the opportunity to send her a quick _Miss you_ text.

Whoever Bruce was talking to, he seemed to be enjoying the conversation, for someone who'd protested that he wanted quiet time. Unfortunately, the workshop was large enough, and Bruce was soft-spoken enough, that Tony couldn't make out what Bruce was saying, even without the sound of the torch. Tony had been pretty focused on his welding for awhile; he wondered how long Bruce had been on the phone. Then Bruce looked up and noticed Tony watching him. He smiled, but Tony looked down, pretending to double check his work, even though he knew it was flawless. Bruce crossed the room and stood next to him. 

"Hey, Peter, I'm going to put you on speakerphone," Bruce said. "Tony's taking a break." Bruce put the phone face up on the table. 

"Oh, hey Mr. Stark!" Peter said. Over the phone's little speaker he somehow sounded even more awkward than usual.

"Hey, kid, what's up?"

"Nothing, just, um, talking to Dr. Banner about some D&D stuff." Tony was already tired of D&D and they hadn't started playing it yet.

Bruce added, "We were trying to schedule a time to play the game, but I wanted to check with you. I didn't want to interrupt, though."

As if Tony would ever mind being interrupted by Bruce.

"Can we play next weekend?" Peter asked.

"Sure, what about Saturday, after training?" Tony suggested, hoping to get it over with as soon as possible. "How long does this game take, anyway?"

"It depends on how much we want to explore. Could be a few hours, could be longer?" Bruce said.

"Longer?" Tony asked.

"Yeah, I don't know, in college we used to play for five, six hours at a time? The game doesn't really have a defined endpoint," Bruce said.

"Ugh, I don't know if I can handle that…" Tony said. Then he looked at Bruce's exasperated face and added, "Um, I don't know if I can handle that, after a day of training...maybe Sunday afternoon?"

"Okay, yeah!" Peter said. "Does that work for you, Ned?"

"Yeah," Ned said.

"Hang on, Ned's here too?" Tony asked. 

"Uh, yeah, sorry," Peter said.

"Hi Mr. Stark!" Ned said.

Tony rolled his eyes, although it was not a video call, so Bruce was the only one who saw.

Peter continued, "And, um, I asked MJ if she wanted to play, and she said no, but she _did_ want to know if she could come and just, um, observe?"

Bruce gave Tony a questioning glance. Tony wasn't sure how he felt about random teens hanging out at the Avengers training facility, but Ned already came over semi-regularly. Besides, he wanted to see if the girl Peter liked was good enough for him. So he shrugged and nodded at Bruce.

"Sure, that's fine," Bruce said.

Tony did wonder why MJ got to skip making a character, though. He supposed it hadn't occurred to him to ask if "spectator" was a D&D character class. 

"What, does she think she's too cool for this?" Tony demanded.

"No, she probably just wants to draw," Peter said. "It's kind of her thing."

"She can always roll a character later if she decides she wants to join in," Bruce said.

"Later? Wait, is this going to be an ongoing thing?" Tony asked. He wasn't sure why that hadn't occurred to him.

"Well yeah, I don't want to just end at level one," Peter said. "Uh, um, if Dr. Banner doesn't mind."

"Sure, I mean, we can see how the first game goes and decide what comes next," Bruce said, with an apologetic look at Tony.

"I'm sending you my character sheet now, Dr. Banner," Ned said. 

"Great, thanks, Ned."

"I'm a halfling bard!"

"A bard?" Tony asked. "What's the point of that? You gonna hit a dragon with a lute or something?"

"Bards can learn useful magic," Bruce said firmly. "It's a fun character class. Ned, I'll look it over and let you know if I see any issues, but it definitely seemed like Peter got the hang of it, so I'm sure yours is fine too."

"Awesome," Ned said. "This is gonna be rad."

"Should we bring anything besides our dice?" Peter asked.

"You don't even need dice, FRIDAY can do random number generation," Tony said.

"But...we got new dice," Peter said.

"They're really shiny!" Ned chimed in.

"Sure, bring your dice, and your player handbooks to consult. Oh, and we'll need some kind of tokens to represent your characters--we can probably just use Lego guys," Bruce said.

"Cool, cool," Peter said. "Um, I guess that's it, we'll let you guys go. Ned has to be home early for his grandma's birthday."

"Hey, tell her I said happy birthday," Tony said.

"Oh my god, awesome, I will totally do that," Ned said.

"Bye! You can email me if you have any questions," Bruce said.

"We will," Peter said. "Bye!" They ended the call before Tony could say anything. FRIDAY briefly displayed a "call disconnected" message before the call window faded away.

"That was weird," Tony said.

"They're excited, it was nice."

"Does Peter call you often?"

Bruce made a surprised face. "No, I think this is the first time, probably?"

"Probably?"

"Tony, you know I hardly ever talk on the phone."

"I know, that's why this was so weird," Tony said. 

Back before Bruce had disappeared and everything had gone to hell, whenever Tony and Bruce had been separated, they'd rarely talked on the phone. In fact, Tony had only ever gotten one voicemail from Bruce, which he had saved and replayed so many times over the last two years that he'd memorized it, although he couldn’t remember what had been going on when Bruce had originally left it. It said, "Hey. It's me. Sorry I missed you, I, uh...I'll try again later. ...love you." He hadn't mentioned this to Bruce, but he still had the voicemail saved. Tony wasn't especially sentimental, but Bruce left so few tangible traces of himself that Tony felt he needed to hold on to whatever he could.

Tony pushed that thought aside and continued, "This all seemed like they could have just texted you. Or me, for that matter."

Bruce's face shifted from surprise to something more like exasperation. "Oh, Tony, you're not--you're not jealous that Peter called me?"

Tony scoffed. "No, of course not. I wanted you two to be friendly. I always said that, since you got back, I always said that you two would get along great once you got to know each other."

"Okay. Good."

Tony blurted out, "It's just that I've known him for a lot longer than you have, so I don't know why you're giving me advice on how to talk to him, all of a sudden. Or why none of you seem to want me to play this game with you."

"Look, Tony, of course we want you to, it's just…"

"It's just what?"

Bruce furrowed his eyebrows and took a deep breath before explaining, sheepishly, "He just, yesterday morning Peter came to talk to me about D&D, and he was so excited, and he said he wanted to ask you to play, but he was afraid you'd make fun of him. So...I suggested that maybe if we _didn't_ ask you, you'd ask to play, and you must be a little bit less...disdainful about it?"

"He--he said that?" Tony was stunned, not only at Bruce's ruse (which he actually kind of admired) but also that Peter and Bruce were talking about Tony behind his back. 

"Look--the kid obviously idolizes you, Tony! He wants you to play with us. We all do. We just want you to, um, maybe chill out, a little?"

Tony paced around while Bruce leaned awkwardly on Tony's work table. "I only tease Peter in good fun! He knows I don't mean it, right?”

“I think he usually does but sometimes...you could cut him some slack?”

“We have like a tough love thing. It’s good for him.”

“Tony….”

“Is this why Peter didn't join the Avengers when I invited him?"

"I don't know, that didn't come up. But honestly, that probably had more to do with the fact that he is still _in high school_."

"Sorry, I guess I missed when you became a child development expert?"

"Tony, I'm not, obviously. But...I don’t know, I was just thinking...he kind of reminds me of myself, when I was that age, okay?" 

Tony didn't like the path this conversation was taking, didn't like the connections his brain was putting together. If Peter hadn't joined the Avengers full time because of Tony's jokes, and if Peter reminded Bruce of himself, was Bruce going to leave, too? How was it possible that people who Tony cared about so much could misunderstand Tony so badly?

Tony deflected, "I mean, I never say anything that bad to him! My dad said lots of way worse stuff to me."

"Sure, so did mine, but that doesn't...that's not a very high bar, Tony," Bruce said softly. "You deserved better. And so does Peter." 

Tony hesitated. His instinct was to deny all of this, but Bruce was looking at him with such a sad expression on his face. It froze Tony in his tracks for a moment, making him reconsider everything. He thought back to what he'd once told Peter; that he wanted Peter to be better than Tony himself. It was true, but Tony wasn't sure how else to actually encourage that. Sometimes Tony thought that anything good he'd ever done was in spite of his father, not because of him. Why shouldn't Tony just treat Peter the way Tony treated everyone else?

Bruce continued, "I'm sorry, I didn't think this would bother you this much."

"I'm not bothered!" Tony said.

"Okay," Bruce said. Tony continued pacing in a small circle, still trying to process all this information. Bruce looked down at the work table and fidgeted with a small piece of scrap metal.

"Don't touch that," Tony snapped. "It's sharp."

Bruce took a deep breath. He set down the scrap metal and said, "Okay, why don't we just sit down, then?"

"Fine," Tony agreed. He walked over and sat on the couch, arms crossed and eyes on the floor. 

Beside him, Bruce said, "Look, it's just...he's a kid…he wants to play a game with his friends. And his...mentor. He doesn't need you to tell him how dorky it is. He definitely already knows."

Tony had been thinking back to conversations he'd had with Peter, jokes he'd made. Sure, Pepper had sometimes told Tony he was too harsh with Peter, but Pepper was always trying to convince Tony to have a more PR-friendly personality. He hadn't thought she really meant anything serious by it. 

Besides, surely Rhodey would have said something? Well--Rhodey had mentioned, a few times, that Tony could be too hard on Peter when they were training together. But what happened in training was different. Tony was trying to make sure Spider-Man wouldn't get Peter killed. 

"Peter always laughs at my jokes!"

"Tony…you're _Tony Stark_. He's a high schooler. He desperately wants your approval. Of course he laughs at all your jokes." Bruce's tone was so patient. Somehow, it made Tony feel even worse.

"No, but…" Tony trailed off. "Hang on, do _you_ only laugh at my jokes because...because of that?"

"No, Tony, of course not, but...I'm an adult. And your jokes are usually very funny, but...sometimes they're also pretty...mean." Tony opened his mouth to defend himself, and Bruce hastily added, "And I know, it's not just you, sometimes mine are, too."

"I love your mean jokes."

"I know you do," Bruce said. He reached out and put his hand on Tony's knee. After a moment's hesitation, Tony took it.

Bruce continued, "Look, Tony--a lot of what's appealing about you is how...little pretense you have. You always say what you think. I love that about you."

"But…?" Tony said.

Bruce squeezed his hand and said, " _But_ sometimes it is actually nice to try for some kind of social pleasantry. Especially when some very sweet high schoolers want to share their very nerdy interest with you. I'm sure they're getting teased enough at school, they don't need it from you. At least...at least not so much of it."

"You think they're getting teased at school?" Tony asked. "Did they say that?" Peter had always sounded pretty cheerful when he talked about school. He was always more worried about crimes going on in his neighborhood.

Bruce winced. "I just have a feeling."

"Wait, did _you_ get teased at school?" 

"Well...yeah," Bruce said, his tone implying that Tony had asked a stupid question. Which seemed unfair, since he was sure that Bruce had never mentioned it before. 

"Oh. Sorry," Tony said. He knew that earlier, Bruce had said he'd eaten lunch alone in high school, but Tony had thought maybe that had been by choice. Bruce talked about his pre-Hulk past so rarely and so hesitantly that Tony had had to draw conclusions based on very limited data. He'd definitely gotten the sense that things had been awful for Bruce at home, but Tony had assumed that Bruce would at least have been fine at school. After all, how could anyone _not_ like Bruce?

Bruce said, with a sound that was almost a laugh, "It's fine, Tony. In retrospect, some high school bullies don't even make my top ten list of biggest problems in life."

Now Tony squeezed Bruce's hand as he thought about his own past. Tony had acted out and gotten in plenty of trouble in school. His teachers hated him, but the other students had generally liked him well enough, or at least pretended to so they could come to his parties. Tony had been a lonely kid, who hadn't had any _real_ friends until he'd met Rhodey, but he wouldn't say any of the other kids had bullied him. And Tony knew that, although his dad had been perpetually distant and disappointed in Tony, he'd never been actively cruel to him the way that he'd gathered Bruce's father had been. 

"It's not fine," Tony said. His stomach turned at the thought of anyone hurting little Bruce. But surely Tony wasn't like _that_? Tony was a good guy. "It sucks. I'm…sorry if I ever made you feel that way."

"Oh, Tony, no, you don't. I actually--uh, when people know who, what I am, they usually kind of walk on eggshells around me. But you never did, not from the first day we met. I...I appreciated that so much. I still do." Tony smiled, remembering their first meeting. Though the circumstances had been dire, he'd been so impressed by Bruce's brilliant mind and so captivated by his shy laugh. It hadn't occurred to him to be _afraid_ of Bruce.

"Okay, then why are you always trying to avoid me?"

Bruce laughed and ducked his head against Tony's chest. Tony put an arm around him, feeling reassured by the physical contact. He took a deep breath. Bruce smelled like Tony's shampoo, but somehow the crisp scent smelled better on Bruce. 

Bruce said, "Tony, believe it or not, not everything is about you.”

"What part of you not wanting to spend time with me isn’t personal?”

"It's not that I don't want to spend time with you. It’s just that I need some time alone...to recharge.”

"Yeah...you're not the first person to tell me that I'm exhausting to spend time with, thanks." Tony had in fact been told, many times, by many people, that he was exhausting to spend time with, but it did hurt to hear it from Bruce. 

"Hey, no, that's not what I said."

"You don't need to _recharge_ from something that isn't tiring."

"Okay, maybe I picked a bad word?" Bruce said. He sounded, well, tired, which just proved Tony's point. Bruce thought for a moment and said, "It's not that I find being with _you_ specifically tiring, it's just...anyone, any kind of social interaction, after awhile...adds up, for me. There's...and I just--I know--I know it's been hard, since I came back--"

"--It's been _great_ since you came back," Tony said fiercely, thinking of how awful it had been while he was missing.

"Well. Yeah. But, uh, I know it's also been--I know I've been--different, but--"

"Shit, I'm sorry, I--" 

"-- _but_ I just always am going to need some time to myself," Bruce said. "I--Tony, I want to spend time with you more than I want to spend time with any other person, okay? Like if I were going to make a pie chart of how much time I want to spend with a person, you'd be...almost the entire pie. But I just...I can't eat a whole pie, it'll make me sick. I need some quiet, alone time to just...process things. Reset my brain. Digest, I guess."

"This is a terrible metaphor."

"Yeah, okay, that's fair. The point is, though, it isn't personal."

"And a confusing pie chart," Tony continued. "A stacked bar chart might be a better way to visualize the data."

"I'll work on another draft for you."

" _Thank_ you," Tony said, gently rubbing Bruce's back. "And I wouldn't mind if you felt like baking a pie. You kinda made me hungry."

"I’m not much of a baker, but it _is_ rhubarb season,” Bruce said thoughtfully.

"Rhubarb? Aren't there any real fruits in season?"

"I'll see what I can do."

Bruce was curled up against Tony's chest and talking about baking pie for him. He was being so sweet, in sharp contrast to the increasingly frequent times when he apparently couldn't even stand to be in the same room as Tony. Frustrated, Tony said, "Seriously, though, you never say any of this. You just...ghost."

Tony kept tracing anxious circles on Bruce's back while Bruce sat quietly. The long silence nearly killed Tony before Bruce said, "You're right, I guess. Sometimes it just feels...too hard to explain, and I just…."

He trailed off, it evidently being too hard to explain. Tony forced himself to wait to see if Bruce would eventually finish the sentence, but nothing came. Sometimes having conversations with Bruce felt like trying to put together a puzzle that was missing pieces. Finally, Tony said, "I just missed you so much."

"I missed you too," Bruce said immediately, but Tony knew it wasn't the same. Bruce hadn't spent the last two years missing Tony, not on any kind of conscious level. Not the way Tony had missed him. Tony knew that that wouldn't be fair to point out; Bruce obviously had his own separate issues regarding the last two years.

Instead, Tony tightened his arm around Bruce and said, "I know." 

"Look, Tony...I’m sorry. I know I'm...it's not...I don't...I'm sorry. I’m not good at this. But I, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

“Bruce, of course,” Tony said. He realized he'd fucked this up somehow. He hadn't even meant to say all this stuff, it had just spilled out; unlike Bruce, Tony never could keep his mouth shut. Tony knew that, although Bruce said he was fine, he was still recovering from what he'd been through. Tony hadn't wanted apologies or gratitude from Bruce. He'd just wanted Bruce to stay with him, to _want_ to stay with him. "I love you. I didn't mean to...I just worry about you."

“I love you too. But you don't have to worry about me."

"Yeah, well, I do a lot of things I don't _have_ to do," Tony murmured. "But I...I'll try to give you some space. If...if that's what you want."

"Thank you," Bruce said, and he tilted his face up to kiss Tony, which was honestly sending kind of a mixed message re: personal space. "And I--I'll try to talk about...it, more. I don't want you to feel...I don't want you to take it personally that I'm fucked up."

Tony smiled. "That sounds good. I don't know if you've noticed, but you're not the only one of us who's fucked up."

"I guess that's true," Bruce agreed, with an affectionate squeeze of Tony's knee. 

"Wait, did you think I meant me? I was talking about Pepper."

"Oh, of course." Bruce gave a small laugh in acknowledgment of Tony's attempt to lighten the mood. Then he took a deep breath and added, softly, "But we got kind of off course from what I really wanted to talk to you about, Tony. You and me aren't the same as you and Peter. He's not that fucked up yet."

"Of course he’s not! He’s a good kid."

"I know he is."

"Wait, are you saying I'm going to fuck him up?" Tony asked indignantly. "I'm helping him!"

"No, I'm not saying that! I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying...that not everyone reacts to social situations the same way that you do. And Peter's a kid, and...he really looks up to you...and sometimes it's just...hard."

"I know that. But I just thought…" Now Tony trailed off. "He really told you he was afraid I'd make fun of him?" He wasn't sure why he was asking again. Bruce wasn't a very good liar, and he generally only even tried lying to preserve someone else’s feelings, such as pretending to like a smoothie Tony made for him, even if he couldn't quite control the face he made while drinking it. Bruce would certainly omit things, and he might misinterpret things, but he wouldn't just make up something and say that Peter had said it. 

"Look, we just had a short conversation," Bruce said. 

"But you agree with him?"

“Tony, I know you care about him, but you could...you could be a little nicer.”

“I’m nice!” 

"Why don't you call Peter and talk to him?" Bruce asked. "I can't really speak for him."

"But I _just_ talked to him."

"You should talk to him without me and Ned on speakerphone."

"I can't believe I'm getting advice on socializing from a hermit."

"Tony…" Bruce was starting to sound slightly less patient.

Tony sighed. "So just like...call him?"

"Yeah?"

"And say what, exactly?"

"That's up to you, Tony."

"Ughhh."

"Maybe you could start by asking him about his D&D character? And then not saying anything too mean about it?"

Tony made a face. "Can't it wait until next weekend?"

"How about if I go up and start making dinner, and you talk to Peter? You know, when you're that age, just--just a little bit of encouragement can go a long way."

Tony wanted to protest that he’d given Peter such heartfelt thanks after Germany, and again after everything with the Vulture. Surely he wasn’t supposed to go around giving encouraging speeches every day? But all that _had_ been a while ago. “Fine, I guess it’s not the worst idea.”

Bruce gently kissed him again before rising off the couch and leaving the workshop. Tony scowled at the empty room. He could tell that it had been hard for Bruce to say these things, perhaps as hard as it had been for Tony to hear them. He suspected that Bruce was probably right, but it felt so awkward. He stood up from the couch and resumed pacing, trying to think what to say to him. He briefly thought of his holographic attempts to recreate a final conversation with his parents and figured that no matter how badly this went, at least it would probably turn out better than that had gone.

Finally, he said, "FRIDAY, will you call Peter Parker?"

"You got it, boss," the AI responded, and a glowing call status window appeared in front of him. For a moment, Tony almost hoped that Peter wouldn't answer, but of course the kid picked up on the first ring.

"Mr. Stark? Hey, is everything okay? Is there--you know, a mission?" Peter asked anxiously.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, no, things are fine, I just--just wanted to check in. See how things were going with you."

"Oh. Fine? Just doing my homework." Peter sounded confused, probably because he'd just gotten off the phone with Bruce and Tony less than an hour ago.

"Oh. Good, that's...good. Responsible."

"Yep…." 

This was even more awkward than Tony had feared it would be. Tony hated Bruce for making him do this. Finally, he said, "I...uh...I just wanted to say...I'm sorry...if I...ever hurt your feelings?"

"Uh, what?"

Tony cleared his throat. "Some people...may have suggested...that I can be a little...abrasive sometimes, and I just...you're a really good kid, Peter, and I just wanted...to make sure you knew. That I...um, that I care about you." Silence hung on the line for a moment and Tony said, "Sorry, this is weird, Bruce made me do it."

Peter laughed. "Okay, that makes sense. Um, no, I mean, I kind of figured you didn't just let random kids hang out with you if you didn't, you know, like them. Um, but, it's, it is really nice to hear you say that, though. Actually, would you say it again, so I can record it?"

"No, that's weird," Tony said. 

"Oh. Yeah, okay. Um. Well, I'm really glad you called? And--and I'm glad you're playing D&D with us. It's--I think it's going to be really fun."

"Yeah, I think it probably will be."

There was another awkward pause, and then Peter and Tony both started talking at the same time. "What?" Tony asked.

"No, nothing, you go," Peter said.

"I was just going to say I should let you get back to your homework."

"Yeah, totally. Um...but thanks for calling. It...I really appreciate it, actually, a lot."

"Sure," Tony said. "I'll see you on Saturday." He hung up and smiled to himself. It hadn't been so bad, and Peter had sounded...almost embarrassingly grateful. Tony thought back to his conversation with Bruce, and then he thought about his voicemail, and he decided to do one more thing.

"Hey FRIDAY, will you call Peter Parker again, but just patch straight through to his voicemail?"

"Absolutely."

"Hey, uh, this is Peter Parker, I guess I'm busy, leave a message?" Tony bit his lip to keep from laughing at Peter's tentative voicemail greeting.

After the beep he said, "Hey, Peter, it's me...Tony Stark. I just wanted to say, for the record...keep up the great work. I'm really proud of you. And of your elvish paladin." He paused. "Just to be clear, that was not sarcasm. That's all." He hung up.

"That was good, right?" Tony asked.

"Yes, very good! Particularly the part when you clarified that you weren't using sarcasm."

"You really get me, FRIDAY." Tony shut off the lights in the workshop and went to see what Bruce was making for dinner, hoping it wouldn't contain tofu.


	3. Conjure Celestial

Bruce scrolled through his notes one more time before the kids showed up. All week, Tony had been surprisingly good about giving Bruce quiet time to prepare, so he'd been able to make very thorough plans. To make things easier on himself, he'd decided against writing his own campaign and instead had prepared a game based on the standard starter adventure. But now that the day had arrived, he was more stressed then he'd anticipated about running their first D&D game. Even though he hadn't had to start from scratch, there were a lot of variables to keep track of, and he felt responsible for making sure everything went smoothly so everyone would have fun. 

He, Tony, and Rhodey were sitting around the lounge, waiting for the arrival of their teen friends, or whatever they were. The big table in the center of the room had been cleared off for gameplay. Tony, perhaps hoping to make D&D more interesting to himself, had rigged up a holographic grid that was much fancier than the gridded poster board or plastic mats that most players used.

Bruce's phone buzzed with a group text from Peter to Bruce, Tony, and Rhodey: _See you guys soon! Just a reminder that MJ DOES NOT KNOW MY SECRET SO PLEASE DON'T TELL!_

Then an immediate follow-up text: _MY SECRET THAT I'M SPIDER-MAN I MEAN_

This was followed by a third text with the girl with her arms crossed emoji and a spider emoji.

Tony snorted and said, "I don't know how he's managed to keep this a secret at all."

"So far he's avoided holding a press conference and just announcing it to the world, which is really the most important step," Rhodey said.

"Yeah, whatever," Tony said.

"He also hasn't literally given a terrorist his home address on national television," Rhodey added.

"Okay, fine, I get it," Tony said. "Jeeze."

"I'm actually more worried that _you're_ gonna give away his secret than he is," Rhodey said.

"No way, I can keep a secret. I just _chose_ not to, regarding my own personal life. Why wouldn't I want people to know I'm Iron Man? But Peter wants to keep his thing a secret, no problem. He's just my extremely valuable high school intern, who I apparently hang out with socially. That's...not weird."

"Totally normal," Rhodey said.

"Banner? You okay?"

"Hmm?" Bruce asked, looking up from his screen. He'd heard the conversation but hadn't felt it required a response from him.

Tony laughed. "It's just that you haven't weighed in on any of my questionable life choices."

"Sorry, just going over my notes."

"Seems like you have a lot of notes. Isn't the whole point of this that you can just make up whatever you want?"

"Not...quite."

Tony came to stand behind Bruce and squeezed his shoulders. "Wow, you're tense. It's just a game."

"A game that he's probably worried about how you're going to sabotage, Tony," Rhodey said.

Tony kept rubbing Bruce's shoulders. Bruce sighed and tried to relax into it. It did feel nice; Tony was good with his hands.

Tony said, "No, I promise I will be on my very best behavior. Wait, why did me saying that make you _more_ tense?"

"I can't imagine," Rhodey said drily.

"No, you're right, it's just a game," Bruce said. "I just want to make sure the kids have fun. It's been a long time since I--"

"Had fun?" Tony interrupted.

"--played this game."

"Hey, even if you fuck it up, they'll have fun anyway. You know how they love watching YouTube videos of weird video game glitches." Rhodey coughed, and Tony added, "I'm sure you'll do great, though."

That thought _did_ actually make Bruce feel better, though he was hoping they wouldn't have too many glitches. When he'd agreed to DM a game, he hadn't thought through how much of a performance that was going to require from him. He didn't have his own character, but he was going to have to be every tavern keeper, friendly passerby, and malevolent goblin that the party encountered. Why had he ever thought this would be a good idea?

Finally, the sound of footsteps coming down the hall put an end to Bruce's thought spiral. The rest of the adventuring party had arrived, and he'd have to work with what he had. Tony gave Bruce's shoulder a final squeeze before settling down on the couch next to him. 

Peter, who was giving off even more nervous energy than Bruce was, quickly introduced everyone to MJ, who managed to seem both bored and amused by the whole thing.

"It's great that the Avengers have the free time to hang out with their high school intern," MJ said. "Makes me feel like world peace must be within reach."

"Any day now," Tony said. 

"You know, I remember when Peter had to quit marching band and academic decathlon because his internship here was too many hours. I guess all that hard work really paid off, if you all have this kind of free time now."

"Mm-hmm, yes, he's a real...hard worker," Tony said. Bruce recognized the tightness of Tony's smile and knew that MJ had hit a nerve. 

Bruce cleared his throat and said, "So, uh, why don't we go ahead and get set up for the game?"

"Yeah!" Peter said. MJ eyed Bruce curiously, clearly sizing him up. He suddenly realized that he didn't know if she knew about Bruce's alter ego. It wasn't exactly common knowledge, not the way Tony and Rhodey's were. If she didn't, what did she think he was doing here? If she did, would she be freaked out by him? He'd been so focused on Peter's secret that he'd managed to forget about his own. 

While Bruce quietly panicked, Peter and Ned made a show of setting up their dice (as promised, they were very shiny), and also a bag of Doritos.

"Ooh, what kind are those?" Rhodey asked. "I haven't had Doritos in a minute."

"Nacho cheese," Ned said. "Meaning _not yours_. Just kidding, we totally brought them to share. Um, they are cheese, though."

"Cool, thanks," Rhodey said, biting back a laugh.

Bruce took a deep breath. "So, everyone has their character sheets?" Peter and Ned held up sheets of paper, while Tony and Rhodey held tablets. "Great. So, um, how this will work is I'll describe a scene to you all, and you can decide what you want to do in that situation. If you want to do something fairly simple, you just say you're doing it, and it's done. If it's something that requires skill or luck, I'll ask you to do an ability check, and you'll roll a d20--uh, or ask FRIDAY for a random number between 1 and 20, if you’d rather--and add the appropriate modifier, based on your character sheet. Does, uh, that make sense?"

"So, we're playing pretend but with bonus math problems?" Tony asked.

"This is even better than detention," MJ said. She already had her sketch pad out; Bruce suspected that she was drawing him, but was trying not to look too closely.

Bruce rubbed the back of his neck. Peter said, "Yeah, we get it, let's just start."

"Wait," Tony said. "When do we need the table grid and the figurines and all that?"

"Oh. That's for when we enter an enclosed area or a combat situation. Then it's more important to keep track of where everyone is in relation to each other. For now, why don't we just introduce our characters?"

"I'm an elf paladin! My name is Mormaer Moonbreeze," Peter announced.

"I'm a halfling bard, my name is Perrin Greenleaf," Ned said.

"Human fighter, Ander Stormwind," Rhodey said.

"Can you imagine if we just introduced ourselves this way in real life? Like 'Hi, I'm Tony Stark, and I'm a human.'"

"Are you, though?" MJ asked. 

"Yes! Uh, but in the game I'm a gnome. And a wizard. And my name is Gnomey Stark, from House Stark."

Peter and Ned laughed appreciatively. MJ shook her head.

"Okay, great," Bruce said. "So, um, the four of you are gathered at a tavern in the city of Neverwinter."

" _Neverwinter_?" Ned asked.

"Yes?"

"Like from the Adventure Zone?" Peter asked excitedly.

"No?" Bruce asked. "I mean, it's just one of the cities. In the region of Faerun. It, uh, doesn't matter, we're not staying here for long."

"I thought we could do whatever we wanted," Tony said. "What if Gnomey wants to stay at this tavern indefinitely?"

"Could I just--"

"Yeah, sorry," Tony said.

"Okay, so you've all gathered at this tavern because your friend Gundrin Rockseeker--"

Ned interrupted, "This is definitely the Adventure Zone."

"I don't know what that is," Bruce said.

"What? You gotta listen to it, it's the best," Peter said.

"What is it, though?"

"It's a D&D podcast. It's super funny."

"Okay, well...they didn't invent Neverwinter. This is pretty much the standard starter adventure," Bruce admitted.

"Wait, you've been working on this all week and you didn't even make it up?" Tony asked.

"I'm sorry, guys--I knew you hadn't played before so I just assumed this would be new for everyone." He was a little disappointed that this hadn't occurred to him, though--the kids had _said_ they'd been reading about D &D, of course they would have already encountered this starter adventure. But it was too late now.

"Oh, no, this is awesome," Ned said.

"Yeah, it's gonna be totally fun!" Peter said. "I'm sure it'll all play out differently than it did for the--um, on the podcast."

"Also, some of us still don't know who Gundrin Rockseeker is," Rhodey said.

"He's our friend, apparently," Tony said. 

"Weird, I don't remember seeing him at any of our parties," Rhodey said.

Attempting to regain control of the adventure, Bruce said, "Well, in fact, he hasn't been around much lately. He's been busy adventuring with his brothers. But he's asked the four of you to come to Neverwinter, and he's offered you a job. He'd like you to escort a supply wagon from Neverwinter to the town of Phandalin--" Bruce paused when the name "Phandalin" set Ned and Peter into a tizzy again.

"Sorry," Ned said. "It's just--nevermind, sorry."

"Okay. Um. So your friend wants you to escort this supply wagon. It should be pretty easy work, but there have been known to be some bandits on this road, so you'll have to stay alert."

"Is this a paid job?" Tony asked.

"Oh, yes, actually, he'll pay you 10 GP each upon arrival."

"GP?" 

"Sorry, gold pieces."

"Is that a good rate? How much is a gold piece worth? I feel like I should renegotiate this contract before I accept," Tony said.

Bruce sighed. "Roll a persuasion check."

"What?"

"It's how we'll measure how successful your renegotiation was. So, you'll roll a d20, and then do you see the number next to your persuasion skill?" Bruce tapped on Tony's character sheet. "Oh, it's 0. Well, you'd add that."

"FRIDAY? Random number from 1-20?" Tony asked.

"One," FRIDAY said.

Ned and Peter laughed. Bruce said, "That's, um, technically known as a critical fail. With a one you, uh...definitely do not convince Gundrin Rockseeker to pay you more to escort his supply wagon. Actually, he's pretty offended, and, uh, you have to buy him a drink to patch things up. So we'll just subtract that from your earnings upon delivery, so you'll make 9 GP and 75 silver pieces."

"This game is _bullshit_ ," Tony said. "FRIDAY, I can't believe you betrayed me like this."

"Sorry, boss. It was random chance."

"You can borrow my dice next time if you want," Peter said.

"Okay, does anyone else want to do anything before we leave the tavern?" Bruce asked.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Ned said. Bruce waited for a moment, and Ned said, "In the game, I mean. Just...just before we leave."

"Okay. We can just assume that everyone's taking care of their basic bodily needs, you don't actually have to describe that to the group," Bruce said. "So...Gundrin leads you out to the supply wagon. It's pulled by two oxen."

"What is this, the Oregon Trail?" Tony asked.

"No, it's Dungeons and Dragons, try to keep up. Who's going to drive the wagon?"

"Me," Tony said.

"Mm, actually, Gundrin doesn't trust you enough for that," Bruce said.

"What?" Tony asked.

"You _critically failed_ your persuasion check," Bruce said. "You looked shady as hell back there. There's consequences."

"Goddammit," Tony muttered.

"I'll drive the cart," Rhodey said.

"Great. And the rest of you? Riding in the cart, walking alongside it?"

"I'm riding. If Mr. Rockseeker will allow it. My speed is only 25," Tony said, petulantly.

"Me too," Ned said.

"I'll walk in front, I'm a paladin so I should be, like, you know, guarding," Peter said.

"Perfect," Bruce said. "So you all set off from Neverwinter. Gundrin Rockseeker and his companion Sildar Hallwinter leave at the same time, but they're on horseback so they'll move faster than your party with the cart."

"Why doesn't he just take the cart himself, if he's going the same place as us?" Tony asked.

"He did say he had some business to attend to," Bruce said. "But you didn't get the details. He seemed to be in a bit of a hurry."

"This seems like a setup," Tony said.

"Do you want to stay at the tavern?"

"What happens if I say yes?"

"That is called splitting the party. I will continue the adventure with the other three, and occasionally just check back in on your character to see if you've started any bar fights or anything."

"If I'm driving, can I just say that we leave now? Is Tony--"

" _Gnomey_ \--"

"--on the cart already?"

"Yes, and yes," Bruce said. "So you all head out from Neverwinter."

"Hey, paladin, I'd like to report a crime, I think I've just been kidnapped," Tony said. 

Bruce ignored him and repeated, "You all head out from Neverwinter, traveling south at a steady pace."

"Can I roll a perception check?" Peter asked.

"Absolutely."

"I got a 12."

"Everything seems fine."

"Good thing you checked, though," Tony said.

Bruce led them through an extremely uneventful day of travel and night of watches. The point was to lull them into a false sense of security--although it seemed that Peter and Ned knew what was coming--but Tony was _not_ having it. 

"Banner, seriously, you're having us pretend to be asleep? Are you trying to put me to sleep for real?"

MJ looked up from her drawing and said, "Hey, it's not his fault that you don't have anything better to do than play this game you don't like."

"I--" Tony said. "You're not playing it either!"

"I'm using your pain to inspire my art. What are you doing with your pain?"

"I'm not in _pain_ ," Tony said. "I'm just...wondering...when we'll get to something more interesting. Like a dungeon, or perhaps a dragon."

"Soon, I think!" Peter said. "I mean, not a dragon, we're not high level enough for a _dragon_."

Attempting to regain control of the game, Bruce said, "Okay! So...you all wake up and get back on the road. Rhodey, are you still driving the cart?"

"You bet."

"Wait, c'mon, Gundrin's not here anymore, give me a turn," Tony said.

"Nope, I'm driving."

"Peter, you still walking ahead?"

"Yep!"

"Okay. Go ahead and roll another perception check."

"Is it goblins? Are there goblins?" Peter asked excitedly.

"Depends what you roll."

Peter tossed a die on the table. "Aw dag, a nine."

"Okay, Peter, you're a little bit ahead of the wagon, and you notice two dead horses. What do you do?"

"But like, are there _goblins_ though?" Peter asked.

"With a nine, you see two dead horses. What do you do?"

Peter sighed. "I guess I'd go look at the horses more closely."

"Roll an investigation check."

"Fifteen."

"As you get closer, you realize there are two dead horses, and their saddlebags have been emptied. There's a sign of struggle. And…"

"Goblins," Peter said grimly.

"Gerblins!" Ned said excitedly.

"Yeah, it's a goblin ambush," Bruce said. "Surprise?" He set up the light grid on the table to include outlines of the road and the woods. Then he pulled out three Lego figures to represent the goblins in the woods.

Tony said, "Oh, are we doing something now?"

"Yes, you are being attacked by goblins. One of them gets a surprise attack in on Mormaer--"

"Who?"

"On Peter's character." Bruce rolled a die and said, "But that goblin rolled very badly, so Mormaer takes no damage. Everyone in the front of the wagon probably would have seen the arrow flying, though, so we'll just say you're all alerted to the peril and the goblins don't get in any more surprise attacks. Let's roll for initiative!"

"Wait, I have something," Tony said. 

"Is it your initiative roll? Because I do need that number from you."

"No! It's a real thing." Tony reached in his pocket and pulled out a handful of small figurines. "I 3D printed us!" He distributed them proudly.

"Wow, this looks exactly like me," Peter said.

"It should, it's based on a 360 scan of you."

"Yeah, this is, um, super cool," Ned said. 

MJ asked, "You just have 360 body scans of all your...interns?"

Tony said, "They were from an experimental virtual reality module that Peter and Ned helped me user test."

"Mm-hmm," MJ said.

Rhodey looked at his figurine, which looked exactly like him in jeans and a polo shirt, and laughed. "Tony, you know these things are supposed to look like the _characters_?"

"Oh. Oh! Yeah, that makes sense. Uh...I can reprint them with some accessories."

"And you gotta make yours shorter," Rhodey said.

"And mine should be taller! Elves are like six feet tall," Peter said.

"Okay, yes, this is valuable user feedback, thank you," Tony said, a little grumpily.

Bruce smiled and squeezed Tony's knee. "I think they're great." 

"Oh, hey, I made you one too," Tony said, handing it over. "I know you're not actually _in_ the game but, you know, it could come in handy."

Bruce studied the plastic version of himself before setting it face down on the board, in the middle of the road. "Sure, yeah, you never know when you might need a tiny replica of yourself. For now, it'll stand in for a horse corpse."

"Grim," Tony said.

"Agreed," MJ said.

"Okay, anyway, let's put our figures on the board...Peter, you should be up by the, uh, horse corpses, and the rest of you are probably...sixty feet back? The grid is a smartboard so you can sketch out the wagon, just for reference." 

Bruce watched as the scene came to life. "Perfect. Okay, now, the way combat works is one person acts at a time, according to their initiative rolls."

"So everyone else is just standing around while one person tries to shoot an arrow?" Rhodey asked.

"Uh...yes?" Bruce said. "It's meant to be happening very quickly, though. Technically each round of combat is six seconds."

"This is not a realistic combat simulation," Tony said.

"You're a _wizard_ , so...let’s not worry too much about realism," Bruce said. "And you're also first in the initiative order."

Peter said, "Whoa, I have--uh--does anyone else have a bad feeling about this?"

"It's okay, Peter, if you die in D&D you don't die in real life," MJ said.

"Um, no, not the--I mean, I just--" Peter looked at the adults in the room with wide eyes. Bruce knew vaguely that Peter had some kind of "spider-sense" but he didn't have a clear idea of what that entailed. He wondered if Peter was trying to warn them about some kind of actual problem? But Tony and Rhodey spent more time working with Peter than Bruce did, and they didn't seem concerned.

"Don't worry, I got this. I will...conjure a celestial," Tony said, reveling in a dramatic pause.

"Tony, you can't cast conjure celestial, that's not a first level spell," Bruce said.

"But I'm a wizard!"

"You're a first level wizard. Try magic missile or something."

"But--" Tony started, when a glowing orange portal opened up in the middle of the lounge, and a man dressed like an actual wizard stepped out of it. Everyone turned to stare. The portal vaguely reminded Bruce of what they’d gone through to leave Sakaar, which made him catch his breath. Fortunately, it vanished before he could think too much about that.

Ned said, "Whoa, this part definitely didn't happen in the Adventure Zone."

Peter looked very tense.

"Hi, who are you and what are you doing here?" Tony asked, rising to his feet in a defensive posture.

The wizard said, "My name is Dr. Stephen Strange. I'm a master of the mystical arts, sworn to protect Earth from dark forces. Are...you playing Dungeons and Dragons?"

"Yeah. Are you telling me you protect Earth by breaking into people's homes and busting up their roleplaying games?" Tony asked.

"Certainly not," Dr. Strange said. "There must be something else occurring here...I have magical wards that alert me when spells are spoken--"

"--including made up ones from this mass-produced game book?" Tony asked. 

Dr. Strange held up his hand and continued, "--in combination with the presence of dark magic. Let me see if I can further pinpoint its source..." He made some kind of gesture with his hand and a glowing ball of energy appeared in his palm. It pulsed for a moment and then flew over to hover over Bruce's head, where its color changed from orange to green.

In an instant, Tony called up his armor and moved to stand in front of Bruce, glowing palms facing out at Dr. Strange. "Back off," Tony said. "What is this, laser tag?"

"This is so cool," Ned enthused. 

Dr. Strange ignored Ned and said, "Mr. Stark, your friend here has the taint of Loki Laufeyson all over him."

"No, I don't," Bruce said, defensively. He stood up, too, and the light followed him. 

"Bruce! Did you fuck Loki?" Tony asked, his tone mock-scandalized.

"No!"

"I'm not mad if you did, but you _have_ to tell me details."

"I didn't!"

"That's...not what I meant," Dr. Strange said. "Please, stand down, I mean your friend no harm."

"Then knock off your...light," Tony said. "I don't like it." Bruce didn't especially like it either, but as stated, it didn't seem to be doing any harm. At the very edges of his consciousness, he felt the Hulk take notice of Dr. Strange, but he didn't feel particularly threatened. Bruce hoped that that feeling would hold. He really didn't want the kids' first D&D game to end with the Hulk smashing up the building in a fight with an IRL wizard, although that would be a pretty good in-game adventure.

Dr. Strange rolled his eyes and called the light back to his hand. "It's served its purpose, anyway. Excuse me, Dr. Banner? I must ask: _have_ you had any kind of contact with Loki recently?"

"Well. Uh. I suppose so. In a manner of speaking. But I don't have any...dark magic." Bruce glanced sidelong at the kids, who seemed to have figured out that this was _not_ something Bruce had planned as part of the game. Ned was watching with wide eyes. MJ was drawing. Bruce suspected that Peter was wondering if he should be trying to suit up, and he hoped that his own shitty luck wasn't going to make Peter reveal the secret he'd been trying to protect.

With a pointed nod at the kids, Bruce asked, "Could we please talk about this somewhere else? In private?" 

"So you _did_ fuck him," Tony whispered.

"I definitely did not, please stop saying that!"

Dr. Strange opened up another glowing portal with a hand gesture and said, "Certainly, why don't we go back to my sanctum?"

"Whoa, can we come too?" Ned asked.

"No way," Tony said. "Never go to a second location with a wizard, I’ve always said that."

"I'm here to _help_ ," Dr. Strange said. "Please, calm down."

"I'm calm," Bruce said, calmly.

"I meant him," Strange said, nodding at Tony.

"Are you even really a doctor?" Tony asked.

"Yes, in fact, I am. And I'm also a master of the mystical arts. And my concern is with Dr. Banner here, not with you."

"Um, I'd rather not leave this building...why don't we just go to the kitchen and talk about this?" Bruce asked. "I'll put on some tea."

"Fine," Dr. Strange said. Bruce saw him give a considering look at the kids. "But depending on what Loki has done, we may need to relocate."

"Yeah, okay," Bruce said, although he was hesitant about the prospect of portal travel. He turned back to the kids and said, mostly trying to reassure Peter, "Um...sorry, I...we'll pick this back up later? But everything is fine..." He started to lead Dr. Strange out of the room, and realized Tony was following, still in armor. "Tony, you don't have to--"

Tony retracted the suit's helmet and said, "Shh, Banner, I'm obviously not leaving you alone with this weirdo. Rhodey can babysit."

"We don't need a babysitter!" Peter said.

"Oh yeah? What if another wizard comes in? What are you going to do, throw dice at them?"

"I assure you, your concern is unwarranted," Dr. Strange said.

"Forgive me for not trusting the guy who just committed a home invasion in wizard cosplay."

"I'm going to go make tea," Bruce said firmly. He walked down the hallway, followed by the extremely weird pair of Tony, still wearing most of an Iron Man suit, and Dr. Strange, wearing an elaborate cloak. In the kitchen, Bruce filled the kettle with water and put it on the stove. Then he sat down at the table, next to Dr. Strange. Tony remained standing.

"So…" Dr. Strange said. "You've had contact with Loki recently? How did _that_ happen? I'm _very_ curious."

"Well." Bruce started, then realized with a sigh that everything he had to say next was completely ridiculous. "I was...being held...on the planet Sakaar, and Thor and Loki…we all escaped together. And then, um, we fought their sister? I'm actually pretty hazy on the details."

"Thor and Loki have a _sister_?" Dr. Strange asked.

"I, uh, I don't think they do anymore, actually. But they did."

"Hmm. I'll have to investigate this."

"Yeah, why don't you go ask Thor about it and leave Bruce alone?" Tony asked.

Dr. Strange ignored Tony and asked Bruce, "Forgive me for asking, but when you say you were being _held_ on the planet Sakaar...how is that possible? My understanding is that it...would be very difficult to contain the Hulk."

"I'm not really sure, to be honest. I don't really retain conscious memories of my time spent as Hulk. But Thor said he and I were both imprisoned there, and...anyway, I just can't imagine I was there willingly, even as Hulk." Unbidden, he was struck by the memory of his last human moment on Earth before Sakaar, the betrayal and rage threatening to overcome him. He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands, which he pressed flat against his thighs to keep from clenching them into fists.

"I see."

The kettle whistled. Relieved for the distraction, Bruce asked, "What kind of tea would you like?"

"I don't suppose you have any oolong?"

"I _love_ oolong," Bruce replied. He prepared two mugs and Dr. Strange summoned his to him through the air with a wave of his hand.

"Show off," Tony muttered.

"There's some pie, too, if you'd like?" Bruce offered.

"No, that's my pie, he can't have any," Tony said.

"Thank you, but I'm not hungry," Dr. Strange said.

"Sure." Bruce returned to the table, carrying his tea in the usual, non-magical fashion. "Anyway. I think Thor would have mentioned it if Loki had done something I should know about?"

"Thor hasn't always demonstrated the best judgment regarding his brother, though, has he?" Dr. Strange asked.

Bruce and Tony both made noncommittal noises in response to that. Bruce trusted Thor, but Strange did kind of have a point.

Strange nodded and said, “This is excellent tea, by the way."

"If Bruce were full of dark magic, wouldn't he be more, I don't know, evil?" Tony said. "He's extremely _not_ evil. You should see how he sorts the recycling."

"I didn't say he was _full_ of dark magic. But there are definitely some residual traces. Loki's magic has a very particular signature. Given Dr. Banner's...other abilities...it's enough to warrant concern. "

"Sure, why wouldn't there be?" Bruce said. Why should he ever expect to have a single normal day in his life?

"Have you noticed any changes since you returned from your time with Loki?"

Bruce crossed his arms. "First of all, it wasn't time _with_ Loki. It was just time...when Loki also happened to be there."

"Noted. Have there been any changes since you returned from this...time?"

"I--I mean it's been...a difficult adjustment. But I was away for a long time, so I think that's...normal?" 

"What exactly is the timeline here?" 

"I was gone for about two years and I've been back for about three months, I think," Bruce said.

"That's right," Tony said.

"Hmm. And for the last three months, you haven't noticed anything unusual?" Dr. Strange asked.

"He has PTSD, not dark magic," Tony snapped. He had at least finally retracted the rest of the Iron Man armor, but he was still clearly on edge, pacing around the kitchen. 

Bruce found that he wasn't as bothered by Dr. Strange as Tony seemed to be. Bruce's recent adventures had dramatically altered his personal scale of weirdness. Besides, the things Strange was saying did sort of make sense, in the way that anything Loki-adjacent might make sense. And if Loki _had_ done something to Bruce, Bruce definitely wanted to know about it. Bruce had enough stuff going on his head without any additions from Loki.

"They're not necessarily incompatible," Dr. Strange said. "I mean to say, one could be afflicted with both conditions simultaneously."

"Yeah, I'm sure PTSD has a really high comorbidity with _dark magic_ ," Bruce said. He wasn't even sure PTSD was the right name for what was wrong with him. He should maybe talk to a doctor about it at some point. A less strange doctor.

Dr. Strange actually smiled at his joke. "So. You've had a difficult adjustment, but nothing out of the ordinary, given the circumstances?"

"No," Bruce said firmly. Then he furrowed his eyebrows with a sudden thought.

"It behooves you to speak to me honestly," Dr. Strange said. His intensity would probably be more intimidating if Bruce didn't live with Tony Stark.

"I--I just thought of something, it has actually--um, it's a little weird to explain--"

"Weird is my bread and butter," Dr. Strange said.

"Well, the thing with me and Hulk is...is we kind of share this body, and he's usually just...in the back of my mind, unless...unless he perceives a threat. But. Um. Since I got back, he's been really quiet. Which I haven't minded, honestly, it's kind of a relief...but it is different."

"The Hulk's probably just still tired from Sakaar. Maybe he needs to sleep for two years," Tony said.

"What do you mean?" Strange asked.

"I, um. In the past, I've never been the Hulk for more than a few hours...maybe a day or so, back when I was first figuring out how to control it. But, apparently, I was on Sakaar for two years, and I was the Hulk the whole time. So yeah, that's probably why he's been a bit...off."

"Perhaps," Dr. Strange said. "Do you think Loki was the cause of your...extended transformation?"

"I don't think Loki was there for most of my time on Sakaar. I'm pretty sure he and Thor got there around the same time, and we all left shortly after. We traveled together to Asgard, and then to Earth."

"But you aren't certain?"

Bruce shrugged. "No. I--I was the Other Guy. I can't know for sure."

"Despite my efforts to track him, Loki has been on and off my radar over the last few years, so this does seem like a promising place to start looking. May I examine your mind?"

Bruce hesitated. The thought made him uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as the idea of Loki being in his head. "Sure?"

"Hang on, what does that entail, exactly?" Tony asked.

"A simple spell," Dr. Strange assured them, although Tony's expression remained skeptical. "My interest is not prurient, I seek only traces of Loki. Think of it as being less like mentalism and more like...an MRI."

"A magical MRI," Tony said.

"But do you think you could access the Hulk's memories?" Bruce asked, his curiosity overcoming his reticence.

"Hmm. That might be an avenue to pursue as well. From what you've told me, I believe it would be a more complicated process. Let me try this, first."

Strange and Bruce were seated next to each other at the kitchen table, and Strange turned to hold his hands near Bruce's face. Bruce flinched. "Be still," Strange said. Bruce noticed that Strange's hands were trembling, which wasn't reassuring. Even this wizard doctor was afraid of Bruce. But then he muttered something in a foreign language, and Bruce felt a warm but not unpleasant sensation, followed by an incredible sense of calm.

Distantly, he heard Tony ask, "What is it? Is he okay? What are you doing?"

"Mr. Stark, if you can't be quiet, you will have to leave. I need to concentrate."

Bruce wanted to speak up and assure Tony that he was okay, but he couldn't find the words.

"Shh, you're doing fine," Strange murmured to him, and Bruce drifted away, literally under his spell.

When he returned to himself, Dr. Strange and Tony were both looking at him very intently. Tony had ceased pacing in order to sit at the table, across from Bruce.

"Hi," Bruce said, blinking at them. "Am I cursed?"

"No…" Dr. Strange said. 

"Of course he's not. I told you this was a waste of time!" Tony said.

"No, it wasn't," Dr. Strange said. "Dr. Banner...it seems that Loki put a healing charm on you."

"I don't need healing," Bruce said reflexively.

"I can see that," Dr. Strange said. "But I don't believe it was intended as a charm of physical healing. You'd said you were unable to transform back to your, ah, human self? I believe he'd intended to help you with that, although it doesn't seem to have worked as intended. The charm's lingering effects may explain the...increased quietness you've felt from your other half."

"Huh. So you're saying Loki tried to _help_ me?"

"That doesn't sound right," Tony said.

"I don't know. Thor keeps telling me that Asgard owes me...the Hulk...a debt," Bruce said sheepishly. Bruce didn't believe there was a debt to be paid. Thor had let him make the choice, but Bruce would rather have been trapped forever as the Hulk than live as a human who'd failed his friends and let innocents die. "Maybe Loki was trying to pay it?"

"Anything is possible, I suppose," Dr. Strange said. "But I'd be shocked if this didn't have some kind of string attached to it."

"Of course," Bruce said.

"Well, are you going to fix it?" Tony asked. "Or can we get back to our game?"

Dr. Strange tapped his fingers on the table for a moment. "I would like to investigate this further, but I don't believe you are in any immediate danger from this charm. I will conduct further research, and you may return to your...wards?"

"Our wards?" Bruce asked, thinking of hospital wings.

"The children?"

Tony snorted. "They're not our wards. They're our...uh…"

"Mentees?" Bruce suggested. He was uncomfortably aware of how weird the whole situation was.

"Yeah, let's go with that," Tony agreed.

Dr. Strange gave them each a long, piercing look. Finally, he said, "Your mentees, then. Dr. Banner, I will be in touch."

"Do you think you could try calling first instead of just materializing in the living room?" Tony asked.

"I don't like the phone." He snapped his fingers and produced a business card, which he handed to Bruce. "But you may call on me if there are any new developments."

Bruce nodded. "Thanks?"

"I do apologize for the interruption, but it's always better to be safe than sorry when it comes to Loki. Thank you for the tea," Dr. Strange said. Then his mug transported itself to the sink, and the man himself vanished through another portal.

"Guy knows how to make a dramatic exit, I'll give him that," Tony said. 

"Yeah…" Bruce said, staring off into the empty space where Strange had been.

His voice full of concern, Tony said, "Hey. Are you okay? Did he hurt you? I couldn't tell what he was doing. I swear to god, I'll magic missile him if he hurt you."

Bruce reached out across the table and squeezed Tony's hand. "No, he didn't hurt me. But...thanks." Bruce wasn't used to people defending him.

"Good," Tony replied. "I still kind of want to fight him, though."

Bruce held up Strange's card and said, "I guess you could make an appointment."

"Let me see that. Oh, god, of course this guy lives in the Village, what a hipster. Also, this doesn't even have a number on it. Or an email, even." Bruce bit back a laugh and reached out to take the card back. Tony frowned and held onto it. "You're not seriously going to go visit him?"

"No, probably not, but you heard what he said...I should go see him if anything else happens with, uh, Loki's magic."

Tony snorted. "I think he just wants to get in your pants, Bruce."

"I doubt that," Bruce said firmly, taking Strange's card back and putting it in his pocket.

"You didn't see how he was looking at you when he was reading your mind. Not that I blame him. I'd love to read your mind."

"Well, even if that's the case, I'm not interested in him. I'm all stocked up on bossy guys with goatees, thanks."

"And you'd rather be with me than with a wizard?"

"You _are_ a wizard."

"But I'm your _favorite_ wizard, right?"

"Yes. You are definitively my favorite wizard." Bruce smiled at Tony for a moment, and then asked, "Uh, speaking of which, should we get back to our game? Are our, uh, mentees still here?"

"Oh, yeah, them," Tony said. He looked at his watch and said, "Huh. It's only been ten minutes."

"What? Are you sure?" It had definitely felt like much longer. Bruce touched his half-empty mug of tea, which was ice cold.

Tony shrugged. "I know, it doesn't add up, I think he probably broke the time-space continuum."

"Oh well, at least he's on our side? I think?"

"He definitely wants to be on _your_ side. In bed."

Bruce shook his head, but he let it go. He was pretty sure that Tony was joking to mask his nerves. Besides, Bruce would prefer jokes about Strange over the jokes about Loki. He stood up from the table and squeezed Tony's shoulders. "Let's get back to the goblins. You haven't even cast your first spell yet."

"Tell me, at what level will I be able to open up portals?"

"You're going to have to play a _lot_ more games before you get to that point."

Tony sighed. "I was afraid you'd say that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW both [The Lost Mine of Phandelver](https://archive.org/stream/dnd-5ed-adv-lost-mine-of-phandelver/dnd-5ed-adv-lost-mine-of-phandelver_djvu.txt) and [The Adventure Zone](http://www.maximumfun.org/shows/adventure-zone) are real.
> 
> If you're a hardcore D&D player please note that a) Like Bruce, I've never actually DMed before (in fact, like Tony, I am the player most likely to single-handedly derail every game) and b) I was striving for a balance between showing how overwhelmingly nitpicky the game seems to Tony and also not making this unbearably boring to read, so if it seems like I skipped over some game mechanic maybe it was just to move the story along or maybe I fucked it up, you'll never know.


	4. Chaotic Good

When they walked back into the lounge, Peter and Ned were peering at MJ's sketch pad, and Rhodey was eating Doritos and looking at his phone. Tony had kept Rhodey updated on Bruce's exorcism by text, but Rhodey still looked relieved to see them return.

MJ asked, "Did you get that dark magic taken care of?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess so," Bruce said.

"Too bad. I'd love to hone my witchcraft," MJ said, her tone not-quite-joking.

"MJ, don't say that or he's gonna come back!" Ned said.

"Who was that guy, anyway? Was he really a wizard?" Peter asked.

"Something like that," Tony said.

"Everything's fine. Sorry about the delay," Bruce said, fidgeting with his tablet. "Does anyone need a recap before we get back into it?"

Rhodey said, "It’s been like ten minutes. We were being attacked by goblins, and Tony doesn't know how magic works."

"Of course I do, I'm a wizard," Tony protested.

"Seriously, cast a spell already, I can't use my sweet sword until you finish your turn."

"Rhodey, you, in real life, have access to the most high-tech weapons on Earth," Tony said. "That seems more interesting than pretending to use an imaginary sword."

"I want to stab a goblin, Tony, and you are standing in the way of my dreams."

"Okay, fine. There's just one problem…I...maybe...don't know how magic works."

Bruce projected a screen in front of Tony. "This is a list of the spells that you know at this time. Pick one and I’ll talk you through it."

Tony scrolled through the list. "These are dumb." When he'd skimmed the D&D book before, he'd thought wizards had cooler stuff, but apparently he hadn't paid attention to the levels. It was irritating that the book organized spells alphabetically, rather than by level. It turned out that level one was pretty slim pickings for wizards.

"Well...when you level up, you can learn better ones," Bruce explained.

Tony had several further complaints about his wizardry options, but he remembered that he'd promised not to fuck up this game too badly. He really was _trying_ to play the game, but he just got so _distracted_ ; the news that Loki had done something to Bruce was _not_ helping Tony's attention span.

"Okay, fine, I cast fire bolt," he said, tapping on it.

"So first, make an attack roll, which is a d20 plus your attack bonus," Bruce said.

"I don't just get to do magic?" Tony asked. He should have known it was too good to be true. He borrowed a dice from Bruce, after FRIDAY's betrayal, and Bruce coached him through the dice rolls and equations. It wasn't that the math was hard, it was just basic addition, but the spells had annoying footnotes--and when he was finished, Bruce pronounced that his spell had succeeded.

"Thank you, wizard Jesus."

"Hell yeah!" Rhodey said.

"Great!" Bruce said. "You did six points of damage."

"Six points? How many points does he have total?" Tony's character only had 12 hit points, so maybe the goblin was similar.

"That's privileged information," Bruce said. 

"But more than six, probably?"

"Yes, I will confirm that the goblin has more than six HP. As DM I can't tell you how many HP has but I can rate them...enemies are considered 'bloodied,' when they've lost half of their health, or severely injured when they've lost 75%...this one is...fine."

"Didn't I just set him on fire?" Tony asked. "That feels like it should do more."

Bruce considered this and nodded. "Okay, we'll say that his shirt is on fire and he has to stop, drop, and roll, which will leave him prone and make him miss an attack."

"That's more like it," Tony said. 

"And that's your turn," Bruce said. He reached onto the board and tipped over one of the Lego figures that represented a goblin. Tony adjusted the light grid to cast the figure in a red glow, representing "Ander Stormwind, what's your action?"

"I'm going to stab a goblin with my sword!" Rhodey said. He rolled his die, moved his 3D printed figurine, and stabbed a goblin with his sword. He seemed very pleased with the result. 

Next, Peter tried to shoot a goblin with his longbow, but rolled badly. "Dang it."

"Can't he try again?" Tony asked. "I mean, Clint used to shoot like three arrows at a time."

"No, his turn is over," Bruce said. "Ned, you're up."

"You'll get it next time!" Ned said. "Now I...will viciously mock the goblins."

"I'm sorry, what?" Tony asked.

"Sure," Bruce said. "Which goblin are you targeting with your spell?"

"I guess probably the one that's on fire."

"Really adding insult to injury, huh? Okay, so I'll do a wisdom saving roll…" Bruce tossed a die and Ned laughed.

"Save failed! Consider yourself mocked, goblin."

"Now your damage roll," Bruce prompted.

"Does your character have the ability to make fun of people so hard that it literally causes physical pain?" Tony asked.

"Yeah, but not that much. That's a three," Ned said.

"Plus the goblin will have disadvantage on his next attack," Bruce said.

"Ned, I would like to apologize for doubting the power of a bard, because this is the best thing I've heard all day," Tony said.

"I know, right?" Ned said.

"It is pretty good," MJ agreed. She was eating a Dorito in a hilariously dainty fashion that Tony supposed was meant to keep cheese powder off of her sketchpad. She noticed him watching and made some aggressive eye contact as she delicately ate another chip. Tony looked away.

"Okay, now the goblins are up. First off, the one who's on fire will use this turn to put out the fire and stand back up," Bruce said, adjusting the Lego accordingly. "This one in the woods is going to shoot at Gnomey with his crossbow."

"Me?"

"You called attention to yourself with that firebolt spell. This one's out for revenge. Mark...ten points of damage."

"Don't I get to defend myself?"

"You tried--his attack gets compared against your armor class, and your AC lost." Bruce pointed at Tony's character sheet.

"My armor class is 11? That seems...low," Tony said. When Bruce had helped him fill out this character sheet, Tony hadn't really understood what the numbers were in comparison to.

"Well, since you've made it through...1/4th of an encounter...you still have not gotten enough XP to level up."

"I thought I knew metalsmithing, can't I make some new armor for myself?"

"Not right now, you can't, you are standing in the middle of a road being attacked by goblins. Also, you don't have any metal."

"Fine." Tony marked the damage and asked, "What happens if I run out of points? Do I die?"

"You'll be knocked unconscious first."

"What's the health care plan for adventurers?"

"Mostly alternative medicine," Bruce said. "It's not great, honestly."

"I can heal you, Mr. Stark!" Peter said.

"Me too!" Ned said.

"Well, that's a relief, because I am extremely arrowed," Tony said.

The other goblin attacked Rhodey but didn't do any damage. "Feels good to have chain mail, baby. Too bad wizards don't start with that kind of armor."

Tony crossed his arms in frustration. Bruce gently patted his knee. "Level one," he said.

It took several rounds of combat, and Tony had to get magical healing from Ned, but they eventually defeated the goblins. 

"Suck it, goblins!" Ned said.

"Yes, great job, you have defeated the goblins. What's your next move?" Bruce asked.

"I guess I want to, um, check out the goblins. And, uh, the horse corpses," Peter said. "See if they have a map or anything." Playing with Peter and Ned reminded Tony of what Bruce had been trying to tell him--they really were _kids_. Kids who were very adorably focused on their game. Kids who should be able to just fight imaginary goblins instead of real ones.

"Are the goblins dead?" Tony asked.

"They're unconscious," Bruce said. "You could kill them if you want."

"What about the horses?"

"The horses are definitely dead."

"Should we, I don't know, have a horse funeral?" Tony asked.

"Sure, if that's what the party decides to do."

"This game is getting goth as hell," MJ said. Tony thought her tone sounded approving, but he wasn't quite sure. He found her a little hard to read, but he had to admit that Peter had been right--she was cool.

"Shouldn't we try to get to the cave?" Ned asked.

"Could you guys please try to forget that you've already heard someone else play this adventure?" Bruce asked. 

"Sorry," Ned said.

"Can I please search the horses?" Peter asked.

Bruce made him roll for it, only to tell him that everything of value had been taken already.

"Okay, what about, uh, Gandalf?" Rhodey asked.

"Gundrin?" Bruce said.

"Yes. Our old friend Gundrin. Is there any sign of where he went? Tracks or something?"

Bruce grinned. "Roll a survival check." Rhodey did, and apparently was successful, because Bruce said, "Behind the bushes off the side of the road, you find a trail leading northwest. From the tracks it looks like a group of goblins uses this trail regularly, and you also see signs that two bodies have been recently dragged down that trail."

"Nice," Rhodey said. "So now it's a search & rescue mission, right?"

"Wait, are they dead?" Tony asked.

"Um, Rhodey's roll wasn't good enough to tell the difference between dragging a corpse or dragging an unconscious person," Bruce said.

"Why would they bother dragging them away if they were dead?" Rhodey asked.

"Ooh, good point," Peter said. 

"Is this game CSI now?" Tony asked.

"It depends, it could be Six Feet Under if you want to pursue the horse funeral."

"Um, I think we should probably move on," Ned said. "No--no offense to the horses."

"Yeah, Gundrin might need our help," Peter said. "And these unconscious goblins will probably wake up soon."

"Probably animal control will come along before too long," Rhodey said. "For the horses."

"Yes, I'm sure they will," Bruce said. "So you're all following the goblin trail?"

"Going back to the tavern is definitely off the table?" Tony asked.

"Can the cart make it down the goblin trail?" Rhodey asked.

"No."

"Maybe we should split up and some of us take the cart to...Phandalin? And some of us follow the trail?" Rhodey suggested.

"No, I don't think we should split the party," Peter said. "Can we tie up the oxen and leave the cart here?"

"Isn't our whole job to protect the supplies?" Rhodey asked.

"Well...it was to get the supplies to Gundrin Rockseeker. But if he's kidnapped, probably...that's more important," Ned said.

"Plus we can't get paid unless we find him," Peter said.

"Shoulda got paid up front," Tony said. 

"Maybe if you'd been better at negotiating…" Bruce said. It was mean, and Tony liked it.

"Can we try to hide the cart a little bit? It seems like these goblins are just going to wake up and steal our shit," Rhodey said.

"Sure, roll a...nature check?" Bruce said.

"You're just making this up," Tony accused.

"Yep."

"Could I do a survival check instead?" Rhodey asked.

Bruce peered at his tablet and said, "Yeah, that might actually be better anyway?"

"Also, I'm proficient at survival…so that's an 18."

"Yeah, sure, you hide the cart," Bruce said. "It's...it's real hidden. So now you're following the trail on foot?"

"Yes," Rhodey said.

"Rhodey, you're walking in front?"

"Sure."

Ned said, "Dude, if he's asking that, you should make sure you check for traps and stuff."

"Oh. I...check for traps?" Rhodey asked.

"Great, roll perception...yes, well done, you have disarmed this goblin trap."

"What was the trap?" Tony asked.

"A simple snare. You could have cut him down from it pretty easily, but it would have been kind of embarrassing for you guys. Anyway, Rhodey, you still ahead of everyone else? Or are people following closely behind him?"

"Um...I'm scouting?" Rhodey said.

"Then roll stealth."

Bruce took Rhodey's number and then rolled a die himself and said, "Okay, bad news and good news...the bad news is, there's a small goblin lookout tower up ahead. The good news is, you've snuck up on them."

"Oh. Can I...go back and tell the others?"

"Yes, but I'll warn you that you'll have to check stealth again, and there's a chance that they'll hear you as you leave."

"How far away are they?"

"About a hundred feet. They're in partial cover of some bushes, but so are you."

"Alright, fuck it, I shoot them with my crossbow."

Tony listened with some amusement as the math-based crossbow fight went down between Rhodey and Bruce. Eventually, Rhodey's fighting prowess--plus lucky dice rolls--won the day. Tony found himself feeling weirdly impressed.

"Okay, what do you do now?"

"I guess I'll just wait here for the rest of the group to catch up. Um, wait, can I check to see if anyone else is around? Were those the only two?"

Rhodey rolled, and Bruce said, "Yeah, those were the only two in this area. Okay, so the rest of the group catches up with you. What do you do?"

"I tell them about the goblins and I ask if anyone can heal me."

"I got you!" Ned said proudly.

"What do you do now?" Bruce asked.

"Can we still see the trail?" Rhodey asked.

"Yes. The terrain has gotten more difficult, but there's still a pretty obvious trail to follow."

"So...let's keep going?" Rhodey said. "And I'm looking for traps! Just for the record."

"Yeah, let's keep going," Peter said. 

"Okay, you keep going...and you come to a river that looks pretty shallow."

"Shallow enough to cross on foot?" Rhodey asked.

"Yeah, I won't even make you roll for it, you can clearly cross it on foot. Shortly after that, you arrive at the entrance to a cave."

"Yesss," Ned said.

"What do you do?"

"Obviously we're going in the cave," Rhodey said.

From behind him, Pepper asked, " _What_ cave?"

Tony jumped up from the couch and kissed her. Seeing her here, home safe, lifted a huge weight off his shoulders. He understood that she had to travel for business, and he knew she had her own security, but it always made him nervous to think that he'd be unable to protect her if anything happened. But he also knew that she hated hearing him voice that concern, so he said, "Pep! You're back early." 

"Yeah, I wrapped up all my meetings a little earlier than anticipated and figured I'd surprise you guys."

Bruce twisted around on the couch and smiled up at them. "Welcome home."

"Thanks, Bruce. I missed you."

"You didn't miss me?" Tony said.

"Oh...a little bit, I guess," she said, grinning at him. "Not as much as I missed the Louboutins I forgot to pack."

"Mm, I'll take it," Tony said, kissing her again.

She broke away and nodded pointedly at the rest of the room. "Hi, Peter, Ned...and friend?"

"I'm MJ."

"I'm Pepper, nice to meet you," Pepper said politely.

MJ nodded back. "Good job keeping Mr. Stark in his place."

Pepper bit back a smile and said, "Thank you, MJ, I try. What, uh, what are you all up to here? Isn't Saturday your usual...thing?"

"We're playing Dungeons and Dragons," Tony said.

"Oh. Oh, wow," Pepper said. "That's different."

"I know it's kinda nerdy…" Peter said.

"It's like really nerdy," Ned agreed.

"But you guys are nerds, so it's not that surprising," MJ said.

"We're at a decent stopping point," Bruce said. "We can end for the day."

"No, no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...I just didn't know people still played it," Pepper said. "How does it work? With the dice and everything?"

"Pepper, you must be exhausted from your trip," Bruce said. 

She waved a hand dismissively. "Please, I travel so much that I'm immune to jet lag. It's pretty much my super power." Tony had missed Pepper badly and wanted nothing more than to end the game and take her, preferably with Bruce, back to bed. He tried to communicate this with his eyes. She smiled and squeezed his hand. He didn't think she'd gotten the message.

Bruce said, "Or are you hungry? I could make you something if you're hungry."

"No, I had a snack on the plane. Seriously, I didn't mean to interrupt by coming home early. It looked like you guys were having fun." Bruce looked uncertain, and Pepper added, "Really, I want to watch you guys play. I'm curious! If you don't mind."

"Well...sure," Bruce said. "We can keep going, if everyone wants?"

"I mean...May wasn't going to pick us up for another hour," Peter said.

Tony sighed, but he sat back down on the couch. He tugged Pepper into his lap. She laughed and leaned forward to look at the table.

Bruce said, "Um...so...you've made it to the entrance of the cave. What do you do?"

"What kind of cave?" Pepper asked.

"Would someone like to roll a perception check so I can tell Pepper what kind of cave it is?" Bruce asked.

"That's what kind of game this is, Pepper," Tony groaned. He threw a die on the table dramatically. It was a 20.

"Wow, look who knows everything about this cave," Bruce said. 

"I couldn't have gotten that roll on something that actually mattered?" 

"The first thing you notice about this cave is that it has wolves in it."

"That seems like something I could have figured out without rolling for it."

"Wolves?" Pepper asked. "Why are there wolves?"

"There are three wolves, chained up in the first chamber the cave. You can safely assume they're there to serve as guard dogs. They're on lengths of chain that are about 30 feet long. They can't reach you from where you're standing at the mouth of the cave...but you can tell they're trying. You also hear the sound of running water. Between the water and the growling wolves, you can't make out any other sounds in the cave."

"This cave suuucks," Tony said.

"If Tony got a 20, can he tell if there's another entrance to this cave? One with...fewer wolves?" Rhodey asked.

"He could tell...but no, there's not."

"Goddammit, Banner," Rhodey grumbled.

Bruce laughed and said, "Sorry, I was just trying to cut to the chase--the full text involves an explanation of how difficult the terrain is and how the river cuts it off, but--"

"But the short answer is we have to deal with the wolves," Rhodey said.

"Or turn around and head back to the tavern," Tony said.

"It's probably not too late for that horse funeral, either," Bruce said. "So you've got some options for how to proceed."

"I find that I am understanding less and less about what this game actually is," Pepper said.

"Don't think about it too much, just let it wash over you, like a macabre meditation app," MJ advised.

"Wait, is this what that animal handling skill is about?" Tony asked.

"Could be, yeah," Bruce said. 

Tony looked at his character sheet. "Well...I'm not proficient in animal handling. Are any of you guys?" 

Everyone looked down at their sheets, and Ned said, "Oh, I am! I mean I'm not, but I'm a jack of all trades, so I'm proficient in everything I'm not proficient in."

"What?" Tony asked.

"He's...basically right," Bruce said. "Okay, so Ned, what do you do?"

"Um...I sing a soothing lullabye to the wolves?"

"Okay, now this is truly inspired, and I'm giving you advantage on your animal handling roll. So that means you get to roll twice and pick the best one."

"Wait, how come I never get advantage on anything?" Tony asked.

"You get advantage on _life_ ," MJ said. "Check your white cisgender male privilege."

"I'm a _gnome_." Pepper turned to look at him, and he said, "In the game."

"Obviously," she said.

"Ned gets advantage because as the DM I get to award inspiration points to players who do things that are especially clever or in-character choices," Bruce said.

"Are you saying I'm not clever?" Tony asked. Now that he knew the game had an actual mechanism where he could be rewarded for impressing Bruce, he was incredibly motivated to get inspiration points, and also slightly offended that he hadn't already gotten some.

Bruce laughed and rubbed the small of Tony's back. "Of course I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that thus far in the game, you have not yet had the opportunity to do something as inspired as singing a lullabye to some trained wolves." 

Ned rolled his dice, and Bruce proclaimed his lullabye a success, and the characters moved on. "Now that you're further into the cave, who has darkvision?"

"I do," Peter said. 

Bruce waited a moment and said, "You do, too, Tony. All gnomes do." He pointed it out on Tony's character sheet.

"Damn, it feels good to be a gnome." On his lap, Pepper snorted. Then she kicked off her heels and shifted her body off of Tony’s lap so she was perched more on the arm of the couch, her long legs draped over both Tony and Bruce's laps. Bruce looked briefly startled at the contact, but then smiled at her before continuing to narrate the game.

"Unfortunately, halflings and humans aren't so lucky, so Ned and Rhodey would need a light source to proceed comfortably."

"Are there any torches or anything?" Ned asked.

"Nope. Goblins have darkvision, too, so they don't need them."

"Do we have matches?" Rhodey asked.

"Check your starting equipment list."

Tony looked at his character sheet and said, "Wait, I know a spell called 'Light.' So that seems...helpful."

Bruce beamed at him, making Tony feel warm inside. "Great," Bruce said.

"It says I touch an object and cause it to cast a bright light. How about Rhodey's sword?"

"A lightsaber, nice!" Rhodey said.

"Inspired," Bruce said, still smiling.

"I think I should go ahead and scout," Peter said. "Since I have darkvision."

Bruce made Peter do a stealth check, which he apparently passed, because he was able to surprise a goblin guard on a bridge. Peter followed the bridge into a larger cavern, which of course contained more goblins, as well as Sildar Hallwinter, the human who'd been accompanying Gundrin Rockseeker, who was being held captive on an upper ledge of the cavern and looked to be in bad shape.

"What about Gundrin Rockseeker?" Peter asked.

"You can't see any signs of him from the entrance of this cavern. Do you want to go inside?"

Peter thought for a moment and said, "How many goblins are in there?"

"You can see six."

"And Sildar is...okay?"

"He doesn't look great, but they're leaving him alone at this moment. He is bound with ropes, though." Tony made a conscious choice to not make any kind of bondage roleplaying joke at this. He hoped Bruce appreciated his effort.

"Okay, so, I'd better go back and get the rest of the party," Peter concluded. Tony felt weirdly proud of Peter's sensible decision, even though it was just pretend. 

"So...should we just attack them?" Peter asked.

"Is there a way to rescue Sildar without fighting all the goblins?" Ned asked. "That's really all we want, right?"

"Yeah, like, do any wizards know any magic spells that might help here?" Rhodey asked.

"Oh," Tony said. 

Pepper bent her head to look at his screen. "What about 'disguise self'? Could you...disguise yourself as a goblin?"

"Oh...could I?" Tony asked.

Bruce smiled at both of them. "You could."

"What do I have to roll?" 

"Disguise Self isn't an attack spell, so you're able to just cast it by expending a spell slot. When you go to talk to the other goblins, that's when you'll have to make a persuasion roll."

"Which I have previously not been great at...but that was FRIDAY's fault."

"It was random chance, boss," FRIDAY protested.

"Whatever."

"Okay, so...Gnomey is going to disguise himself as a goblin and attempt to free Sildar. What about the rest of you?" 

"We'll wait in the hallway and come in if anything goes wrong?" Peter said.

"Yeah, you should have a signal, Tony," Rhodey said.

"How about if I just scream for help?"

"That oughta work," Rhodey agreed.

"Okay, Tony, you're up," Bruce said. "What do you do?"

"Well, I put on my goblin disguise, and I walk in there like I own the place, and I say, 'Hey, where's the human prisoner?'"

"Do you say this in common speech or goblin?"

"Is this a trick? Do I speak goblin?" 

"Check your character sheet…"

"Well, I guess I say it in common speech, because no I do not speak goblin."

"You don't have Google Translate?" Pepper asked.

"There is a spell for that...but Tony's character doesn't know it," Bruce said. "That's fine, though. Keep going. The goblins speak common speech. That's why it's called common speech."

"Naturally. Well, in common speech, I ask to see the prisoner."

"The goblin leader looks at you and says, 'Who are you?'"

"I say, 'You don't know who I am?!'" 

"No, I've never seen you before, and I'm Klarg's second in command. I know all the Cragmaw goblins."

"The--hang on, the guy in charge of all this is named _Klarg_?"

"Is this what you're saying in character?"

"No, of course not, I just-- _Klarg_?"

"Klarg is a bugbear," Peter said.

"Peter! How does your character know that?" Bruce said.

"Maybe I...overheard one of the goblins say it...while I was scouting?"

"Maybe elves listen to a lot of D&D podcasts," Ned suggested.

"Well, anyway, yes, Klarg is a bugbear, and he's the boss of this goblin," Bruce said.

"A _bugbear_? That sounds adorable," Pepper said.

"They're not really," Bruce said. "Especially not Klarg."

"Fine," Tony said. "Um, 'Klarg sent me from Neverwinter. I need to take the prisoner back for further questioning. You know how Klarg gets.'"

"Go ahead and make your persuasion roll now," Bruce said.

Tony rolled. "Fourteen."

Bruce pursed his lips. "Okay, good enough. The goblin leader says, 'Yeah, I know how Klarg gets, alright. Glerm, go ahead and help--what did you say your name was again?'"

"I didn't," Tony said. "I'm, um, Norm."

Rhodey snorted. Bruce said, "'Okay...Glerm, help Norm escort this prisoner to Klarg's chamber.' So one of the other goblins kind of half-drags Sildar down to you, and the three of you head back out into the passage where the rest of your party is. What do you do?"

"Can I...cough loudly to signal to everyone else?"

"I mean, sure, but that's not a signal that you've established."

"Do I have to roll to cough?"

"You can just do it." Tony coughed, and Bruce said, "I mean, you didn't have to actually...nevermind. The rest of you, what do you do when you hear this cough?"

"I mean, also, can't we see what's happening?" Peter asked. "Like wouldn't I see him walking toward us, with Sildar but also another goblin?"

"You probably would with your darkvision, yes."

"So I gesture for everyone to move back further into the passage, so, uh, Glarg?"

"Glerm," Bruce said.

"So Glerm can't call for help until it's too late," Peter concluded.

Bruce made them roll a stealth check and then agreed to their plan.

"And then when they make it out here, I'm going to stab Glerm with my lightsaber," Rhodey said.

"Or I know the spell Charm Person," Ned said. "Maybe we could get some useful information from him."

"Okay, try that...but if it doesn't work, I'm stabbing him," Rhodey said.

Fortunately for Glerm, Ned's spell worked, and Glerm became an unwitting addition to their party. 

“Okay, so you’re alone with Sildar Hallwinter, who’s badly injured, and Glerm, the goblin guard who will think of you as a friendly acquaintance for the next hour. What do you do?” Bruce asked.

“I heal him,” Peter said. “For 10 HP.”

“Okay, Sildar says thanks.”

“And then I ask him if he knows what happened to Gundrin.”

“He looks at the two goblins and says, ‘I already told you everything I know.’”

“Two goblins?” Peter asked.

“The other one is Gnomey. He’s still disguised.”

“Oh, right,” Peter said.

Bruce said, “But Glerm hears you ask this and, as your charmed friend, he says, ‘You’re looking for Gundrin? Klerg has him at Cragmaw Castle.’”

Rhodey groaned. “The princess is in another castle? That’s bullshit.”

“I say, ‘Thanks, that’s so helpful. Do you happen to have a map?’”

“Glerm doesn’t, but he offers to draw you one, if you have parchment.”

“I probably do?” Tony said. “I have a spellbook and stuff.” Bruce nodded, and Tony said, “Okay, I give him the parchment and pen.”

“He gives you a map, so you can add that to your inventory. You’ve got about half an hour left on your enchantments, by the way.”

“Dr. Banner, can I ask a question?” Peter asked.

Because Bruce was nicer than Tony, Bruce didn’t point out that Peter had just asked a question. Instead, Bruce said, “Sure.”

“Are goblins evil?”

“Yes, their alignment is neutral evil,” Bruce confirmed.

“Oh yeah, that’s a thing,” Peter said. His own character was designated lawful good; Tony’s was chaotic good, which Bruce had found hilarious for some reason. Peter continued, “No, but I mean, like...should we just be killing these goblins? Or is there like, goblin jail or something? We're the good guys, right?”

Bruce nodded seriously. “No, there’s not goblin jail. For your purposes here, you can assume that you’re leaving your enemies unconscious, and their comrades could come along and heal them.”

“Maybe we should have thought about this before we started stabbing and mind controlling them,” Ned said.

“Glerm says, ‘I beg your pardon?’”

“No, sorry, I wasn’t saying it in character,” Ned said.

“It’s just a game,” Tony said. “Let’s not overthink it.”

“Overthinking it is half the fun of the game!” Bruce said.

Tony asked, “Does the map show us how to get out of this cave?”

Peter said, “We don’t need a map, we’ve made like one turn off the main path.”

“It’s a good map, and also Peter’s right,” Bruce said.

“Okay. I say, ‘Hey Glen--‘“

“Glerm,” Bruce corrected.

“I say, 'Hey buddy, didn’t you forget your keys in the other room?'”

“Keys? I don’t have keys. Only Yeemick is entrusted with keys.”

“Yeemick? You’re killing me with these names, Banner.”

Ned said, “Go and get some more rope, so we can transport the prisoner. Please.”

Bruce said, “Glerm says, ‘Why didn’t you ask for this when we left?’ And he’s kinda annoyed, but since he’s your charmed friend, he’ll go get it.”

“Aren’t the other goblins going to think that’s weird?” Rhodey asked. “We didn’t charm them.”

“Oh dang, you’re right,” Ned said. “They’ll probably come after us.”

“Can I just like sneak up and hit him in the head before he gets too far away?” Rhodey asked.

Bruce made him roll for it, but Rhodey succeeded in knocking out the goblin who Tony had been attempting to spare. 

“Sildar says, ‘Nice job, but don’t forget about this other goblin.’”

“What other goblin?” Peter asked.

“It’s still me in disguise,” Tony said. 

“Oh, right right right.”

“I tell him it’s me in disguise,” Tony said.

“And I say, we’re here to rescue you!” Ned said proudly.

“He says, ‘Great, thanks. We should hurry--we have to get Gundrin out of Cragmaw Castle before it’s too late!’” Bruce said. Then he glanced at his screen and added abruptly, "Um, I know it's about time for you guys to get picked up, and this seems like a good stopping point?"

Peter looked at his phone, crestfallen. "Aw, man, you're right."

"When can we play again?" Ned asked.

Bruce turned to look at Tony, who was surprised to realize that he actually did want to find out what happened next. "Maybe next Sunday?" he said.

"No," Pepper said. "Next Sunday we have to go to that fundraiser lunch. For girls' education in developing countries?"

Tony felt himself make a face against his will. "Can't we just give them money and not have to actually go?"

"No, Malala's going to be there," Pepper said. "We have to go."

"Fine, we'll figure out a date, I'll text you," Tony said, assuming that any date that worked with his schedule would also work for a couple of unemployed high school kids.

"Cool," Ned said.

"This was so fun, thanks for DMing, Dr. Banner," Peter said.

"You're welcome," Bruce said. "Sorry it was a rerun for you."

"No way, it was totally different when we played it," Peter said. "But you should listen to the Adventure Zone, though, so you can hear their version. It's hilarious."

"Sure, I'll check it out," Bruce said. 

"Thank you all for allowing me to observe your collective delusions," MJ said. "It was very inspiring."

"It was...nice to meet you?" Bruce said.

"Yes, it was," she replied. To Pepper, she added, "Tell Malala I said hi."

"I will," Pepper said.

"We really have to go," Peter said. They packed up their dice, chorused final "goodbyes," and left the adults alone.

"I've got some paperwork to finish up," Rhodey said. "But Pepper, welcome back, great to see you. And nice job, Banner. That was fun."

Bruce nodded and mumbled his thanks, then leaned forward to tidy up the table. After packing up the dice and figures, he said, “I’m going to go start dinner. Do you have any requests?”

“Bruce, can’t it wait? I think we have leftover pizza, you don’t have to cook," Tony said.

“I’d like to,” Bruce said softly. He gave Tony a pleading look. Tony sighed. Bruce hadn't gotten much better at actually verbalizing when he was tired, but Tony thought he was getting better at understanding.

Pepper thought for a moment before saying, “Could you make that green goddess salad?”

“Of course. That won't take long at all.”

“And give me a kiss first.” Bruce complied and slipped out of the room.

Pepper watched him go with a smile. “He must need a break after all that.”

Tony huffed, “Hanging out with us is a break.”

Pepper squeezed Tony’s knee. “You know it’s not. He just needs some quiet time. Without people.”

“We’re not people! We’re...us.”

“We’re definitely people, Tony.”

Tony sighed. “I guess.”

“How's Bruce been? I kept trying to check in with him while I was gone and he kept just saying he was 'fine,’ but you know how he hates the phone...I couldn’t tell if he meant fine or, you know, _fine_.”

"I think...I think he was actually fine, mostly.”

Pepper looked a little skeptical, but she said, “Well, good! So how’d you get started on the Dungeons & Dragons?”

“It was Peter and Ned’s idea, I guess it’s making kind of a pop culture comeback so they were curious about it. And, uh, apparently Bruce played it in college.”

“Oh my god, of course he did. That’s adorable!”

“Yeah. He was taking it very seriously. He was really stressed out about it before we started."

“I’m sure he was. I can’t imagine trying to keep all of you guys’ attention for that long.”

Tony tightened an arm around Pepper’s waist. “I’m sure you could think of something.”

She laughed and shook her head. “It looked like you were all having fun, though?”

“Yeah, we were.”

“You sound surprised.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think it would be my thing. It sounded boring.”

“What do you mean? It’s talking and math, those are two of your favorite things.”

“But there’s so many rules and the math is so simple!”

“Maybe it’ll be good for you to follow some rules." Tony snorted, and she asked, "What else did you boys get up to without me?”

“We...Pepper, do you think I'm too hard on Peter?"

"Yes," she said immediately. "I've told you that about a hundred times."

"Oh. Really?"

" _Yes._ He's a kid!"

"I guess I didn't realize...you meant it?"

Pepper rubbed her forehead. "What happened? Did Bruce say something to you about Peter?"

"Yeah, it was a whole thing. But, um, we worked it out."

"Really." Pepper said, her tone clearly skeptical.

"We did! We talked about our feelings and our childhoods and it was extremely mature. You’d’ve been proud."

"Wait, you and Bruce, or you and Peter?"

"Both? Kind of?"

"Bruce talked about his childhood? What did he say?”

"Well...not much. He made a few deeply depressing implications and then left the room."

"That sounds about right.”

“Yeah." Tony winced, remembering, and said, "I made some dumb joke about kids who ate lunch in the library by themselves, and Bruce said he used to eat lunch by himself in the library in school."

"Ohh," Pepper said, her voice sympathetic. Tony knew that, of the three of them, Pepper had been the most well-adjusted high school student, although she didn't seem to keep in touch with any of her friends from those days. She'd once told him that she served as student council treasurer, only because her shitty boyfriend had told her that he wanted to run for president and she'd stepped aside for him. Tony had done some angry online stalking and found that that guy was now a used car salesman, so Pepper had definitely won in the long run. (And, being the bigger person, she'd talked Tony out of half-baked thought of exacting some sort of revenge against the schlub's car dealership.)

"He is doing better, though. And I know he’s happy you’re back.” Tony still wished Bruce had stayed here with them instead of running off to the kitchen.

“Of course he is.” Pepper smiled and stretched. “I’m going to go take a quick shower before dinner.”

“Can I come?”

“I said a _quick_ shower.”

Tony pouted, and Pepper kissed him. “Fine, you can come too, but only because if I leave you unattended, you’re going to go bother Bruce.”

“A grateful nation thanks you for your sacrifice.”

Tony trailed Pepper back to their suite, where she peeled off her business attire and revealed some stunning lingerie.

“Pep, not that I don’t love what’s happening here, but that looks really uncomfortable for an international flight.”

She winked. “I changed right after we landed. I didn't realize I was going to be walking into the middle of a goblin cave. Not that I mind--I think it's nice you guys are doing something with Peter besides, you know, combat training.”

Still staring, Tony said, “God, I missed you so much. You should never leave.”

“If I never left, we’d never get to reunite. Also our business empire would crumble.”

“Mm, I love it when you talk business to me,” Tony said, reaching out to unfasten her bra. “You’re so beautiful.”

Pepper grinned and lay back on the bed. “Go on,” she encouraged.

Tony, still in his jeans and T-shirt, straddled her and kissed her.

“Keep going,” she whispered, and he obliged, working his way down her body to those delicate, lacy panties. He tugged at them and she said, “Careful, don’t rip them.” She lifted her hips to help him remove them, and then Tony put his tongue to good use.

Pepper moaned and twisted her fingers in Tony’s hair. “God, I missed your smart mouth,” she said.

Tony didn’t try to speak with his mouth full, but he’d missed her too. There were few things he loved more than taking his put-together partner and making her come undone. 

“God, yes, no, don’t stop,” she said. Tony wouldn’t have dreamt of it, not until she came, hips bucking under his face. When he was sure she was done, he licked his lips and rested his head under her breasts. She stroked his hair idly, still catching her breath. 

“Thanks, hon, I needed that. Now get off me, I need to shower.”

“But...”

“You can have your turn after dinner.”

Tony groaned at the prospect of sitting through dinner with the thought of Pepper’s lingerie, so close, yet so far away. 

“That’s what you get for listening to Bruce the first time he says something that I’ve told you repeatedly.”

“Pepper, that’s not fair! Bruce doesn’t say very many things. I’m sure I listen to the same amount of things you both say...Bruce’s ratio just has an advantage...”

Pepper pursed her lips and crossed her arms over her glorious chest.

Tony tried, "Are you saying you don't think I should listen to Bruce?"

"Tony…" 

“Please?”

“Fine, but only since you asked nicely. And we have to make it quick. I don't want to be late for dinner.”

“Yeah, okay, not a problem.” She crooked a finger and beckoned him to the shower.

“Have I mentioned that I love you?”

“Talk’s cheap, Tony. Now hurry up and take your clothes off.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

As promised, Tony was pretty quick about it--Pepper made that pretty easy--but when they made it to the kitchen, Bruce had already finished making dinner and was sitting alone, reading his physics journal (the cover slightly warped from having been used as a plate) in front of a large serving bowl of salad. He didn’t look up when they entered. Tony cringed. He hadn’t meant to leave Bruce out of his reunion with Pepper, he’d just gotten carried away, and now Bruce was ignoring them. 

Pepper said, warmly, “Bruce! This looks amazing.”

Bruce looked up and smiled. He seemed genuinely surprised to see them. Maybe he hadn’t been ignoring them, just focused on his reading. “Oh, thanks. It's nothing too fancy," he said sheepishly.

Tony called Rhodey down to dinner. Tony didn't pray, but before he took his first bite, he took a moment to look around the table and bask in the satisfaction of having all the people he loved best around the same table again. 

Bruce asked, “So how was your trip, Pepper?”

“Good, thanks!” Pepper said, around a bite of salad. “Really productive. I’m afraid the details are kind of boring.”

“I’m sure they’re not,” Bruce said politely, although Tony and Pepper both knew that Bruce didn’t have a mind for business. Bruce was obviously very smart about a lot of things, but he had once shyly admitted that he didn't really understand what a stock was. Tony knew how the stock market worked, but he wasn’t all that interested in the details, either; appointing Pepper CEO of SI was one of the best decisions he’d ever made. 

“I mean, I guess compared to the _Journal of High Energy Physics_ , maybe corporate mergers are thrilling,” Pepper said.

“High energy physics is interesting!” Bruce said defensively. Then he laughed at himself. “See, Tony, this is why I ate lunch alone in the library in high school.”

Tony flinched, but Pepper said firmly, “Well, you’re not alone now.”

“I know,” Bruce said. 

“Unless you want to be?” Tony asked.

“Oh...then I’d have too much salad.”

Rhodey considered the salad bowl and said, “I bet I could eat a whole thing of that salad by myself.”

“No way, this salad is too good to waste on your dumb frat dares,” Pepper protested.

“Is that what you think we were up to in college? Salad eating contests?” Rhodey asked incredulously.

“Yes, of course we were,” Tony said. “While Bruce was honing his dungeon skills, we were studying the way of the salad.”

“Ugh, whatever, I’m just saying, don’t hog the salad, I’m already planning to eat the leftovers for lunch tomorrow.”

“It won’t be as good tomorrow,” Bruce said. “I’ll make you a fresh one.” 

Pepper smiled. “Be careful what you offer, because I’ll take you up on that.”

“I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mean it.”

“You never make _me_ salad,” Tony said.

“I made you salad on Thursday and you said it had too many vegetables in it.”

Pepper and Rhodey laughed. “Stop laughing! It had sprouts on it. Sprouts! Shouldn’t you let them finish growing before you dump them on someone’s plate?”

“I love sprouts,” Pepper said.

“Gross,” Tony muttered.

“Well, I’ll make you a salad with fewer vegetables,” Bruce offered.

“Just save yourself some time and throw a tomato at him,” Rhodey suggested. 

“My armor class will definitely save against a tomato,” Tony said, then realized he’d slipped into D&D-ese. Bruce grinned at him. 

“You guys are so cute,” Pepper said. “Tell me more about your game.”

“Apparently Bruce stole it from the internet, even though he made the rest of us make up new characters.”

“I didn’t steal it! It’s just the game’s starter adventure,” Bruce said. 

“Is this an ongoing thing? Maybe I should learn how to play.”

“That would be fun,” Bruce said with a shy smile.

“Yes, totally, if I have to play, you do too,” Tony said.

“You don’t _have_ to play,” Rhodey said. “No one is forcing you.”

“Well, you know, I believe the children are our future, and I know they’d be so disappointed if I quit playing.”

“They’d get over it,” Rhodey said.

“Tony, you can’t quit,” Bruce said, which was all Tony had wanted to hear. Then Bruce continued, “At least not until you go back and have that horse funeral.”

“Alright,” Tony grumbled.

“Seriously, you have to put their spirits at ease,” Bruce said. 

“I’m not even going to ask about that, but I’m serious about learning how to play. It seems like a fun way to unplug for awhile," Pepper said.

“Unplugged! That’s what I don’t like about it,” Tony said. 

“That’s why you need it,” Pepper said. “Besides, you were having fun.”

“I know,” Tony admitted.

“Okay. Then sometime before you play again, you can help me make a character?” Pepper asked.

“Of course,” Bruce agreed.

“You can’t be a wizard though, because I’m a wizard. Oh my god, Pepper, we forgot to tell you, an actual wizard came over!”

“What?”

“Yeah, Bruce accidentally summoned him with dark D&D magic.”

Pepper made a confused face and turned to look at Bruce for clarification.

“Um, yeah, that’s...that happened,” Bruce said softly. He pulled Dr. Strange’s card out of his pocket and passed it to Pepper.

“Dr. Stephen Strange, master of the mystic arts? What the hell? This is a real guy? Tony, did you invite him? We've talked about this, you're not allowed to invite supervillains over.” Pepper gave him a suspicious glare. She was still holding a grudge about that whole Mandarin thing.

"No! Did you not hear me say _Bruce accidentally summoned him with dark D &D magic_?" Tony asked.

“Also, I really don't think he's a supervillain. He was just a little...dramatic. He said he keeps tabs on people who have associated with Loki, which technically includes me, so...” Bruce said with a shrug.

“It all seemed very suspicious. I think the real story is that Dr. Strangelove is totally into Bruce,” Tony added.

“No, he isn’t,” Bruce said. He looked down and pushed a piece of avocado around his plate.

“Well, if he is, he’ll have to get in line,” Pepper said, her tone fond. “So what was he like? He's really a wizard?” 

“I think he said sorcerer, but um, yeah. He knew magic. Actual magic. Other than that, he kind of reminded me of Tony, actually….”

Rhodey snorted. “Yes! Like a Renaissance Faire Tony.”

“What?” Tony asked indignantly. “No, he was a dick. He came in here uninvited and accused Bruce of doing dark magic. He made his tea fly around!”

“I really think he was just trying to help….”

"You said I was your favorite wizard."

"Of course you are, I just don't think he meant any harm."

Pepper shook her head. “Well, I’m sorry I missed the excitement. You didn’t summon any other fantasy characters, did you?”

“No, just the one,” Bruce confirmed.

“I’ll be honest, I expected you all to get into a lot more trouble without me,” Pepper said. “This seems pretty manageable.”

“No, it was awful,” Tony said. “He was very rude. Plus, our friends were kidnapped by goblins and their horses were killed in cold blood. I’m sure this kind of thing wouldn’t have happened if you were around.”

She smiled at him. “Well, I’m working out of New York for at least the next month straight.”

“Plenty of time to create a gnome version of you.”

“What? No, I don’t want to be a gnome.”

“Bruce, are interspecies relationships allowed in D&D?”

“First of all...again, your character is different from you, so your character doesn't have to be romantically linked to Pepper's character...and second of all, yeah, where do you think the half-elves and half-orcs come from?”

“The half-stork?" Tony paused for everyone to groan at his joke. "Anyway, Pepper, gnomes are cool. They can see in the dark, you know. Even without a lightsaber.”

“Pepper, if you want to make a D&D character, I can help you...sometime when Tony’s distracted.”

“That sounds lovely. Thank you, Bruce.”

Though he crossed his arms and made a show of being offended, Tony was actually delighted. Although he'd been skeptical about the game, he thought it would be fun to share it with Pepper. And he was glad that Bruce would help her decode out the annoying fine print of the player's handbook.

“As long as I can still sit with you guys in the cafeteria afterward, I guess it’s fine,” Tony said.

Bruce gave him a crooked smile and said, “We’ll save you a seat."


End file.
